to be or not to be depressed
There comes a point in time (I haven't determined if it's a monthly occurrence or not) that I slump into a bit of depression. When I had a boyfriend, my love life is my emotional indicator. You'd know when things are well, and when things are sh*tty -- that's how transparent I can be. Now that I don't have one, I'm not quite sure what exactly determines my mood.
Maybe this is a carry-over of the sad/guilty/bad feeling I had over the weekend. I was supposed to be a secondary sponsor in one of my closest friend's wedding. Due to some circumstances, I, with my two other friends (also secondary sponsors), were not able to make it to the wedding ceremony. (I still think the culprit is the parlor! Imagine, there was only one make-up person and there's two of us. What's worse is he's doing someone else's haircut and another person's hot oil. Duh! They knew the wedding was at 4pm and they didn't attend to us as fast as they could.)
I felt bad. I REALLY felt bad. I still do. After one year of planning and being there with all of the arrangements with the bride, I didn't get to march in her wedding... and I didn't see her take her vows. Honestly, it made me feel worse. I already felt bad losing a single friend, and I felt worse that I didn't see her at her happiest moment.
I may as well be guilty -- guilty of being selfish. You see, deep inside I didn't want my friend to get married. Not because I was envious of her having a significant other but rather she's progressing to a different level in life and I felt she was leaving me behind. This girl, Moose, is one of the closest girlfriends I have. She's always been there and available when I needed a friend. I definitely would miss our spur of the moment gimiks in Fridays, Burgoo, and Figaro. Most of all, I'll miss her cause I know that even though she's still my friend (I'm praying that one day she'll forgive me for not being there in her wedding ceremony and we'll be friends again), she can't be as available as she used to. She now has a different set of priorities and would have to adjust to a new life with her hubby.
As with my other friends who are getting or about to get married, I feel I'm being left behind. I have always seen my friends and I moving through life at more or less the same time. We went through gradeschool, highschool, college together. Experienced working at the same time and having boyfriends or breakups throughout the years. Now as they are ready to move forward, I'm not sure I can move with them.
I was asked recently if I'm going to get married soon (as if they didn't know I'm a Singleton!) If only it's possible to get married by myself, I probably would say "yes". However, even if it was possible, I don't think I want to get married yet. Not that I'm gammophobic (fear of marriage or commitment), I just don't think I'm ready, nor do I feel I ever will be. Not after seeing my parents or other married couples. Especially not after him... (save this for another time!)
Depressing isn't it???
Maybe this is a carry-over of the sad/guilty/bad feeling I had over the weekend. I was supposed to be a secondary sponsor in one of my closest friend's wedding. Due to some circumstances, I, with my two other friends (also secondary sponsors), were not able to make it to the wedding ceremony. (I still think the culprit is the parlor! Imagine, there was only one make-up person and there's two of us. What's worse is he's doing someone else's haircut and another person's hot oil. Duh! They knew the wedding was at 4pm and they didn't attend to us as fast as they could.)
I felt bad. I REALLY felt bad. I still do. After one year of planning and being there with all of the arrangements with the bride, I didn't get to march in her wedding... and I didn't see her take her vows. Honestly, it made me feel worse. I already felt bad losing a single friend, and I felt worse that I didn't see her at her happiest moment.
I may as well be guilty -- guilty of being selfish. You see, deep inside I didn't want my friend to get married. Not because I was envious of her having a significant other but rather she's progressing to a different level in life and I felt she was leaving me behind. This girl, Moose, is one of the closest girlfriends I have. She's always been there and available when I needed a friend. I definitely would miss our spur of the moment gimiks in Fridays, Burgoo, and Figaro. Most of all, I'll miss her cause I know that even though she's still my friend (I'm praying that one day she'll forgive me for not being there in her wedding ceremony and we'll be friends again), she can't be as available as she used to. She now has a different set of priorities and would have to adjust to a new life with her hubby.
As with my other friends who are getting or about to get married, I feel I'm being left behind. I have always seen my friends and I moving through life at more or less the same time. We went through gradeschool, highschool, college together. Experienced working at the same time and having boyfriends or breakups throughout the years. Now as they are ready to move forward, I'm not sure I can move with them.
I was asked recently if I'm going to get married soon (as if they didn't know I'm a Singleton!) If only it's possible to get married by myself, I probably would say "yes". However, even if it was possible, I don't think I want to get married yet. Not that I'm gammophobic (fear of marriage or commitment), I just don't think I'm ready, nor do I feel I ever will be. Not after seeing my parents or other married couples. Especially not after him... (save this for another time!)
Depressing isn't it???
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