a holy week special

Of all the religious songs that are memorable to me, two of them are listed below. Quite frankly, these two are translations of each other. What makes them so unique to other songs is the message that they give.

Take and Receive payer by Saint Ignatius of Loyola Music by Manoling Francisco, SJ	Paghahandog ng Sarili Panalangin ni San Ignacio de Loyola Hmig ni J. Arboleda & M. Francisco, SJ
Take and receive, O Lord, my liberty Take all my will, my mind, my memory All things I hold and all I own are Thine Thine was the gift, to Thee I all resign Do Thou direct and govern all and sway Do what Thou wilt, command, and I obey Only Thy grace, Thy love on me bestow These make me rich, all else will I forego.	Kunin Mo, O Diyos, at tanggapin Mo Ang aking kalayaan, ang aking kalooban Isip at gunita ko, lahat ng hawak ko, Ng loob ko ay aking alay sa 'Yo Nagmula sa 'Yo ang lahat ng ito Muli kong handog sa 'Yo Patnubayan Mo't paghariang lahat Ayon sa kalooban Mo Mag utos Ka, Panginoon ko Dagling tatalima ako Ipagkaloob Mo lang ang pag-ibig Mo At lahat ay tatalikdan ko Tatalikdan ko

The trait that makes the human being so different from other creations boils down to this: Free Will. If you take free will away from a person, then the sense of living is reduce to instincts and going with the flow, and not choices.

I have to admit, these songs are scary for me. Not because I don't trust God to lead my life according to His will, rather that I would willingly give him what essentially makes me, me -- the Cecil that I am. We're not just talking about my favorite things as mentioned in the previous post, but my will, my thoughts, my freedom, my memory, and my choices.

The fear of losing myself is what comes to mind. If my choices were not my own and the path I live is dictated by another person, won't I be living my own life?

I realize I still have a choice even if God would take the lead the direction of my life. I have a choice on how I'd want to perceive and receive the events happening in my life and how I would accept and make the most out of it.

* * *
Santa Clara, Quezon City, Late November 2002.

I recall this one time that I prayed to God that He make the decision for me. It was a relationship that I was praying for -- the first time I did that in my entire life. I wanted to be with this guy and I was praying to God about him and my heart's desire.

My tears started to fall when I realize that the other end of the spectrum would be if God does not grant me what I was asking for. If it was not His will, I only requested that He give me the courage, grace, and strength to accept that it's not meant for me and move on.

God gave me what I had asked for. December 28, 2002.

More than a year later, the ex-boyfriend decided he wanted out.

I cried then, asking God, why He gave me what I asked for, only to take it away?

Kbowing I can't do anything about it, I went back to the prayer that I made in December 2002. That God would give me the courage, grace, and strength to accept that it's not meant for me and move on.

Maybe God made me experience him so that I wouldn't be wondering "what-if" for the rest of my life. So that I would be able to wake up from my childish dreams of ever after with him. Maybe God made him experience me so that he would learn what love is and how to love the girl he loves in his life right now. Maybe God made "us" possible so that we would know we're never meant to be together, but meant for other people.

I realize that my experience made me more knowledgeable about relationships and made me help other people recovering from their own break-ups. I realized that the whole exercise made me wiser, stronger, and hopeful still that there will be somebody out there who would love me more than anyone else in his life. And I him.