almost but not quite

I mentioned in my previous post about the interview I was scheduled to have with the company I want to join in.

I went. I was early. Had breakfast at Starbucks. Smoked. Fixed myself in the bathroom. Used the elevator to go to the designated floor. Stayed in a room because I was still early. Got called in to the boss's office. 80 minutes later, left.

Dazed.

Ok, I can't remember much of it except for the following things:

1. It was the first interview I had with the company, out of 5 in total, that I didn't came out happy or excited. In fact, I was in a state of shock that I was walking mechanically out of the building. I think if I wasn't able to snap out of it, I would have probably been roadkill.
2. I knew I answered some of the questions wrong because she always had a comeback answer to my replies. In other words, binabara nya ang mga sagot ko. It was until later that I realized it might have been intentionally done so that she could see if I had an answer of my own to her response to my response.
3. I'm not sure if I got certain things across with my answers. There were instances that I felt some words were more straight to the point than the ones I used.
4. I never doubted before that I can get the job... until now. It takes only one person to reject me, despite the four people who made me go to the next level.
5. I'm not sure if it's just a formality or I should take it as an encouragement when she asked the question, "When can you start?" as I was going out of her office door.

Well, I have 12 days more to worry about it. She said they'll call me but I can ask for an update in two weeks' time.

Gawd, that seems like forever.

* * *
Realizing that I may just be a step away from getting the job I want, made me wonder how I'd feel if I lost it at that point.

It's like winning second place in the Amazing Race. Or being a second longer than the time to beat. Or drinking 21 shots of Fear Factor mixed drinks and not winning the $50,000 cash prize on the final challenge. Almost, but not quite.

For most part, I would say I'd chalk it up to experience. But when it comes to something that I really want, I'd rather not.

I'd rather not have gone through so much when I'm going to be dissed in the end.

I call it calculated risk.

It is only when I'm sure I'll be able to accept the consequences in both end of the spectrum do I take the chance because I don't want to end up regretting the decisions I make.

In this case, I have to be honest when I say I'm not sure if I can accept not getting this job.

The only time I wanted something so much like this was with my last boyfriend. 9 years I waited and then I took a risk. I thought it was a calculated risk. I gave in to the "What if we wore more than friends?" question that plagued most of my life and ended up destroying one of the most beautiful relationships I ever had. All because he said he doesn't love me anymore.

I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it if the big boss rejects me. I don't want to just settle for another job, knowing how much I want this opportunity.

At the back of my mind, I know that things happen for a reason. If I'm not going to get this, I'm sure there's something better out there for me. Have faith, things will work out for the best.

Words of comfort.

I have to keep repeating that. Over and over. Maybe at the end of 12 days, I'll believe it and be ready to accept their decision either yes or no.