an open letter of owning up
I have no one else to blame but me.
The past few days have been turbulent for the people I love the most -- my family, my friends, and the one I love. Simply because I wrote my most honest and controversial post.
I blogged my previous posts because I needed to release what was inside me. To be able to sound off freely. I didn't mean for it to cause a rift between the people I love and me. I didn't mean to start a verbal war and so I handled it the best way I could. Only, I couldn't protect my love from the harsh words of judgement coming from the different people who read me, from my friends who don't know Jake, to those who don't even know me.
It wasn't easy for me to read what had been written. My heart broke that I have to explain myself to be understood. It wasn't easy to write what could not be explained in words. It clearly wasn't enought that I tried.
The mere situation merited judgement from people wearing moral robes. They did not consider the actual situation and the parties involved. They know my situation based on my blog, or at least think they do, said their two cents (online and offline.)
I cannot expect you, my friends, to understand me but I beseeched you to accept my choices. In the end, I wasn't understood, I was judged. I fought for what I wanted and stated my stand. I admitted I'm not going for the norm, and I opted to defend the person, who you don't know, but who I'm in this situation with.
You stated how can this be love after considering my situation. You think I'm blinded by the smooth delivery of his words. That I have let myself be swayed in this game because I just broke up with my ex and needed affection so badly. That I am settling for the first guy to come along.
I know my love life does not have a good track record. Despite my high IQ, I admit stupidity when it comes to matters of the heart. It has always been my waterloo. My real friends know this and being that, you saw to protect me when I can't protect myself. Please know that I love you for that. I appreciate your honesty (and disdain) to my actions. But I don't exactly appreciate the emotional blackmail (i.e. don't talk to me about him.) It gave me the impression that we can only be friends if I am not involved with someone like Jake, which is not exactly comforting.
I really got doused in cold water. Though your efforts hurt me the most, it did what you intended it to do. I guess the ends justify the means in this case.
Jake, I'm sorry I first asked you to defend us. I'm sorry that I later asked you not to comment and defend yourself because I thought it could get worse. I'm sure it was pretty awful to read all those comments about you. It has not been fair for you to read the judgement placed on you based on my writings. You were judged based on my words and not because of who you actually are.
Not was it fair for me to openly write what should have been kept private. It wasn't fair for you to be maligned this way. I'm sorry that I was responsible for your public persecution. We may have been wrong from the start, but you didn't (and still) don't desrve this.
I admit I'm wrong, I don't want to want to sound like a martyr, nor am I asking for sympathy. I wouldn't even ask for you understanding, since I failed to gain in the first time around. I am not claiming to be a victim here, rather I am claiming responsibility to the consequences of my actions. I am writing this because I was/am wrong and selfish.
This has to end and I'm putting a stop to it. Now. I hope this makes the lot of you happy that I'm doing the "right" thing. God knows, I hurt the people I love in the process because I wanted to be happy. I am doing this because I don't want to lose the other people that I love. Giving up one over a hundred is more economical, don't you think?
(I am not angry. Just bitter. If you wish to say something personal, I would prefer it if you email me rather than posting it in my comments. Thanks!)
The past few days have been turbulent for the people I love the most -- my family, my friends, and the one I love. Simply because I wrote my most honest and controversial post.
I blogged my previous posts because I needed to release what was inside me. To be able to sound off freely. I didn't mean for it to cause a rift between the people I love and me. I didn't mean to start a verbal war and so I handled it the best way I could. Only, I couldn't protect my love from the harsh words of judgement coming from the different people who read me, from my friends who don't know Jake, to those who don't even know me.
It wasn't easy for me to read what had been written. My heart broke that I have to explain myself to be understood. It wasn't easy to write what could not be explained in words. It clearly wasn't enought that I tried.
The mere situation merited judgement from people wearing moral robes. They did not consider the actual situation and the parties involved. They know my situation based on my blog, or at least think they do, said their two cents (online and offline.)
I cannot expect you, my friends, to understand me but I beseeched you to accept my choices. In the end, I wasn't understood, I was judged. I fought for what I wanted and stated my stand. I admitted I'm not going for the norm, and I opted to defend the person, who you don't know, but who I'm in this situation with.
You stated how can this be love after considering my situation. You think I'm blinded by the smooth delivery of his words. That I have let myself be swayed in this game because I just broke up with my ex and needed affection so badly. That I am settling for the first guy to come along.
I know my love life does not have a good track record. Despite my high IQ, I admit stupidity when it comes to matters of the heart. It has always been my waterloo. My real friends know this and being that, you saw to protect me when I can't protect myself. Please know that I love you for that. I appreciate your honesty (and disdain) to my actions. But I don't exactly appreciate the emotional blackmail (i.e. don't talk to me about him.) It gave me the impression that we can only be friends if I am not involved with someone like Jake, which is not exactly comforting.
I really got doused in cold water. Though your efforts hurt me the most, it did what you intended it to do. I guess the ends justify the means in this case.
Jake, I'm sorry I first asked you to defend us. I'm sorry that I later asked you not to comment and defend yourself because I thought it could get worse. I'm sure it was pretty awful to read all those comments about you. It has not been fair for you to read the judgement placed on you based on my writings. You were judged based on my words and not because of who you actually are.
Not was it fair for me to openly write what should have been kept private. It wasn't fair for you to be maligned this way. I'm sorry that I was responsible for your public persecution. We may have been wrong from the start, but you didn't (and still) don't desrve this.
I admit I'm wrong, I don't want to want to sound like a martyr, nor am I asking for sympathy. I wouldn't even ask for you understanding, since I failed to gain in the first time around. I am not claiming to be a victim here, rather I am claiming responsibility to the consequences of my actions. I am writing this because I was/am wrong and selfish.
This has to end and I'm putting a stop to it. Now. I hope this makes the lot of you happy that I'm doing the "right" thing. God knows, I hurt the people I love in the process because I wanted to be happy. I am doing this because I don't want to lose the other people that I love. Giving up one over a hundred is more economical, don't you think?
(I am not angry. Just bitter. If you wish to say something personal, I would prefer it if you email me rather than posting it in my comments. Thanks!)
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