morning chat @ starbucks

I love spending time at Starbucks. For me, it's the ideal place to chat and catch up with friends, and to think about and answer existential questions.

Traffic wasn't as bad today as it had been for the past couple days weeks. Every time we arrive in Ortigas early, my cousin, Christian, and I head to Starbucks, Emerald Ave. for our once-in-a-while-morning-cofee-conversations.

I usually stay away from Starbucks when I'm on a diet. I can't resist their White Chocolate Mocca (no whipped cream, non-fat milk) and Honey Glazed Donut (my favoritest donut in the whole world). For today, I ordered coffee of the day, House Blend, determined to stick to my diet. Christian, on the other hand, ordered milk and the tempting Honey Glazed Donut. All the while he was eating his donut, he was teasing me to take a bite. Gawd, don't you just hate it when you say "no" to something you desperately like?

I ended up lighting a cig instead.

Normally, when Christian and I are at Starbucks, we end up talking about our families and relationships (ours and in general). For this morning, the first question raised is "how will you know if you're ready for marriage?"

You see, Christian is getting married in December, to his longtime girlfriend, Helen. I won't call what he's experiencing cold feet really, but maybe it is. It was more of a need to reassure his self that he's doing the right thing at the right time. Of course, the word "right" here is as subjective as it can go.

I mulled over his question and came up with this: There's no such thing as a person ever going to be completely ready for marriage. It's the same as no person ever being really ready for death. The uncertainty of where you're headed still lingers, no matter how much you want to be with your significant other. It just takes a leap of faith, courage, and confidence that you'll be able to face the life ahead of you together, holding each other's hand in the process. In effect, you are as ready as you can ever be when you decide you want to embark on this new chapter in your lives.

I looked at Christian and he somberly said, "I'm ready." I couldn't hide the admiration in my eyes when I heard him say that.

We went on discussing the ones who got away in our lives, what if s/he's the one, and about closing chapters on our "could-have-beens".

This is more on my side than his. After all, among my cousins, I have the record of keeping the shortest relationships, as well as the most at 3 ex-boyfriends. I told him I had the habit of closing chapters on ex-boyfriends. When that's done, I never wouldn't want to re-open it.

Of course, he raised the question of the last ex-boyfriend, who I pinned away for the last eleven years of my life, the first crush and puppy love of my life. They happened to be classmates in high school and it was Christian who introduced us.

I told him I recently closed that chapter of my life already. I knew in my heart that there's nothing to hope for, chalk it up to experience, and move on. But I wouldn't trust myself to see him, I said. I wouldn't want to ride that roller coaster of emotions I used to feel.

Christian asked, "What if he wants you back?" This wasn't (and isn't) a likely scenario, but since the question was posted, I had to think of my answer. I honestly replied, "I don't know. I am certain, though, that unless he's changed (big time!) and proven himself worthy of another chance, it would be a 'No, not in this lifetime!' kind of answer. After all, I deserve better than him."

There are no "could-have-beens" in my life. No regrets whatsoever with all the failed relationships I had. Although my closed door chapter policy sounds a bit harsh, I know that I gave everything I had when I was in a relationship with them. I don't think there's anything I could have done to change the fate of what happened.

The last point in our coffee conversation was the need to be in a relationship. Christian said the longest he went without a girlfriend was six months. On my case, it was a year and a half.

I guess it's the need to know that you are loved by someone else, outside your family and friends, that drives us to be in a relationship with someone. Being with someone means that somebody else appreciates your existence in the world and gives a whole new meaning to your life.

Even though I'm not in a relationship, I'm happy for my family and friends who have received their affirmation through their respective relationships.

As for me, I can only smile. Because, in spite of everything, I know I am loved by someone else out there right now.