dreaming of you
The car conversation of Jesse and Celine in the movie Before Sunset made me face the thought I have been hiding from all these months.
That you were (are) the greatest love of my life and that everyone else that comes after is a mere shadow of you. That the love I feel for them, no matter how great, is just a fraction of the love I felt (feel) for you.
I didn't want to believe that.
God knows it wouldn't be fair to the next one to come along. God knows that I have let you go and am sincerely happy for you and the love you found. God knows I'm ok with my life, though not at my best form, but still manageable. God knows that I've moved on.
But, why oh why, on the eve of my birthday, should I dream about you? Why should I see you so vividly in my dream, claiming the words that I wanted to hear from you six months ago, standing up to my father as he professed his dismay to your mere presence? Why should the memory of your embrace make me feel warm through the cold early morning weather? Why, as you stand before me with your hands on my arms, looking at me soulfully, do I feel so helpless and broken in spirit? Why am I so out of character when you are in my presence?
On one hand, I knew the dream is nothing more than just that. It will never happen in the future. I'm ok with that. Ecstatic, even. I'm better off without you, as you are much happier without me.
Time had passed since the last time we actually communicated. However, dreaming about you, I know that, one way or another, you are going to make your presence felt on the day most special to me. At the back of my mind, I hope that you would forget to remember as usually do, but I know that I would be sorely disappointed if you did.
Had I not dream my dream, had I not realize the value you still have on my life despite there is no "us" to speak of, had I not been lonely, I would have reacted differently to the simple birthday greeting you sent me.
I would have said something like, "You remembered? Gee, thanks! So how are you? Hope you and tut-tut are doing well."
Instead, I'm writing this post.
That you were (are) the greatest love of my life and that everyone else that comes after is a mere shadow of you. That the love I feel for them, no matter how great, is just a fraction of the love I felt (feel) for you.
I didn't want to believe that.
God knows it wouldn't be fair to the next one to come along. God knows that I have let you go and am sincerely happy for you and the love you found. God knows I'm ok with my life, though not at my best form, but still manageable. God knows that I've moved on.
But, why oh why, on the eve of my birthday, should I dream about you? Why should I see you so vividly in my dream, claiming the words that I wanted to hear from you six months ago, standing up to my father as he professed his dismay to your mere presence? Why should the memory of your embrace make me feel warm through the cold early morning weather? Why, as you stand before me with your hands on my arms, looking at me soulfully, do I feel so helpless and broken in spirit? Why am I so out of character when you are in my presence?
On one hand, I knew the dream is nothing more than just that. It will never happen in the future. I'm ok with that. Ecstatic, even. I'm better off without you, as you are much happier without me.
Time had passed since the last time we actually communicated. However, dreaming about you, I know that, one way or another, you are going to make your presence felt on the day most special to me. At the back of my mind, I hope that you would forget to remember as usually do, but I know that I would be sorely disappointed if you did.
Had I not dream my dream, had I not realize the value you still have on my life despite there is no "us" to speak of, had I not been lonely, I would have reacted differently to the simple birthday greeting you sent me.
I would have said something like, "You remembered? Gee, thanks! So how are you? Hope you and tut-tut are doing well."
Instead, I'm writing this post.
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