the big question: why can't you be friends with your ex?
My girlfriend just sent me an email just now entitled "Can you ever be friends with your EX?: Things learned from "ex" friendships." with a note that said, "I just thought of you."
Before I move along to my thoughts on this, I edited the articel a bit so that it can be summarize in the following points:
1. I've created a monster. The person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex. Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.
2. You've seen each other naked. As hard as it is to accept, it's difficult to bring a relationship back to its normal state after having been most intimate with someone. You will alwa! ys have an image of that person naked, and memories of the trysts will always be triggered by the smell of her skin or perfume, or even by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to.
3. You can't confide in each other. As hard as two exes try to stay friends, they can never really confide in one another other. How do you tell your ex that you have a hot date tonight, or that you and your new lover are going away on a steamy getaway? Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are -- but we'll never actually know how they really are.
4. Always one-sided bitterness. Since breakups are rarely one-sided, one party will always feel resentment or bitterness towards the other person. Even if your ex is feigning friendship, she's not sincerely your friend; so if it seems like plans with your new potential woman are always being sabotaged, they just might be.
5. Jealousy comes to play. And where there's bitterness, there's jealousy. And the truth of the matter is, it's hard to be sincerely happy for your ex when they've just found the new love of their life.
6. You don't want them with anyone else. It's human nature to be jealous or resentful when our ex finds a new person to cuddle up to, even if we don't have feelings for them anymore. It almost becomes a race of who will find the new lover first, a challenge especially brought on by the person who was dumped. Even for the person who did the breaking up, the thought of someone else taking your place in the memories that you and your ex shared is hard, and sometimes extremely painful to fathom.
7. Passion still exists. Even if your relationship was completely problem-ridden, chances are that the passion and sexual chemistry between the two of you still exists. This is a recipe for disaster because it means that every time you get together, the lust and passion you have makes it more likely that you'll end up in "one more" night of unbridled "goodbye" sex, for old times sake. This brings you right back to square one -- how you felt right after your breakup, and just when you were doing so well.
The best line in the whole essay is this: "Hell, just stay away from anyone who makes you chronically unhappy."
I think this is 3/4 of the whole article. Anyhow, I thought about what it said, I know for a fact it's true, especially #6 and #7. After the breakups and several attempts to friendship the last bf and I made, it felt like a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs that seem never-ending. I was happy when I was with him and at the same time I was unhappy by the things he said and did. (My ex is the only guy I know who used this breakup line, "I love you less cause you've grown fat."
Among all three exes, there's only one that I'm really friends with -- the 2nd. He made me a better person and a stronger one, but he just happens to be out of the country (and married!) so communication is pretty much scarce. The 1st is also out of the country but until now I don't think he'd ever consider me as a friend -- I hurt him too much or so he says. Quite ironic really cause he was the one who cheated on me. The last one, well the last one, was the one I loved for more than 10 years (my first crush). I considered him my bestfriend, and even though he treated me like shit, I find it so hard to let go. But I'm learning and it's getting easier each day.
Going back to the smiling thing, I smiled because I realized most of these things even before I got the email. I let my last go, leaving him to do his merry ways, and trying to move forward by myself with the help of my friends and blogging.
I'm coping. I'm fine. I'm not at my best, but I'm getting used to being alone. I don't want to get involved just yet, but I don't mind dating a bit (the gerry's guy comes to mind) or maybe flirting with someone. But nothing serious. I'm thinking I might be moving out of the country in a couple of months, so why bother?
In time I'll be ready, but for now, I'll simply enjoy being single and being content.
/*July, don't worry about me too much. I'm absolutely ok.*/
Before I move along to my thoughts on this, I edited the articel a bit so that it can be summarize in the following points:
1. I've created a monster. The person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex. Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.
2. You've seen each other naked. As hard as it is to accept, it's difficult to bring a relationship back to its normal state after having been most intimate with someone. You will alwa! ys have an image of that person naked, and memories of the trysts will always be triggered by the smell of her skin or perfume, or even by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to.
3. You can't confide in each other. As hard as two exes try to stay friends, they can never really confide in one another other. How do you tell your ex that you have a hot date tonight, or that you and your new lover are going away on a steamy getaway? Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are -- but we'll never actually know how they really are.
4. Always one-sided bitterness. Since breakups are rarely one-sided, one party will always feel resentment or bitterness towards the other person. Even if your ex is feigning friendship, she's not sincerely your friend; so if it seems like plans with your new potential woman are always being sabotaged, they just might be.
5. Jealousy comes to play. And where there's bitterness, there's jealousy. And the truth of the matter is, it's hard to be sincerely happy for your ex when they've just found the new love of their life.
6. You don't want them with anyone else. It's human nature to be jealous or resentful when our ex finds a new person to cuddle up to, even if we don't have feelings for them anymore. It almost becomes a race of who will find the new lover first, a challenge especially brought on by the person who was dumped. Even for the person who did the breaking up, the thought of someone else taking your place in the memories that you and your ex shared is hard, and sometimes extremely painful to fathom.
7. Passion still exists. Even if your relationship was completely problem-ridden, chances are that the passion and sexual chemistry between the two of you still exists. This is a recipe for disaster because it means that every time you get together, the lust and passion you have makes it more likely that you'll end up in "one more" night of unbridled "goodbye" sex, for old times sake. This brings you right back to square one -- how you felt right after your breakup, and just when you were doing so well.
The best line in the whole essay is this: "Hell, just stay away from anyone who makes you chronically unhappy."
I think this is 3/4 of the whole article. Anyhow, I thought about what it said, I know for a fact it's true, especially #6 and #7. After the breakups and several attempts to friendship the last bf and I made, it felt like a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs that seem never-ending. I was happy when I was with him and at the same time I was unhappy by the things he said and did. (My ex is the only guy I know who used this breakup line, "I love you less cause you've grown fat."
Among all three exes, there's only one that I'm really friends with -- the 2nd. He made me a better person and a stronger one, but he just happens to be out of the country (and married!) so communication is pretty much scarce. The 1st is also out of the country but until now I don't think he'd ever consider me as a friend -- I hurt him too much or so he says. Quite ironic really cause he was the one who cheated on me. The last one, well the last one, was the one I loved for more than 10 years (my first crush). I considered him my bestfriend, and even though he treated me like shit, I find it so hard to let go. But I'm learning and it's getting easier each day.
Going back to the smiling thing, I smiled because I realized most of these things even before I got the email. I let my last go, leaving him to do his merry ways, and trying to move forward by myself with the help of my friends and blogging.
I'm coping. I'm fine. I'm not at my best, but I'm getting used to being alone. I don't want to get involved just yet, but I don't mind dating a bit (the gerry's guy comes to mind) or maybe flirting with someone. But nothing serious. I'm thinking I might be moving out of the country in a couple of months, so why bother?
In time I'll be ready, but for now, I'll simply enjoy being single and being content.
/*July, don't worry about me too much. I'm absolutely ok.*/
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