fin. finito. finished.

I'm a pretty open person. Clearly, it can be read on my blog. However, there are things that I keep to myself for a period of time until they're over or have passed. These are the things that are sacred to me and I only share it to one or two people when it's actually happening.

For about two weeks, I had been stressed by an invitation I received last January 7. My ex, the most recent, asked me to coffee over email. A couple of exchanges later, it was set for January 20 -- last night.

I was apprehensive and scared. Stressed beyond belief. I actually dreaded to go.

After all, this is the guy who led me in a roller-coaster ride for 11 years (well, the first 7 years was just a caterpillar ride, it's only the last four that it became a non-stop space shuttle.) This is the guy who was my first crush and the greatest love of my life. The guy who can make or break my day (when we used to be together.) The only guy who could ask me to jump and I'd ask, "How high?"

I was that in love (or in awe) of him.

After 8 months of not seeing each other (and blogging), I knew I was ok. I got over him. I've moved on and let him go. I'm happy for him and his girlfriend (who also blogs) and wish them the best.

But was I ready to meet him in person? A lot of what-ifs ran through my mind for almost two weeks. The most important question was, "What if I'm still in love with him?"

I knew that meeting him would be the only way to answer the question. They say that out of sight, out of heart, out of mind. But sometimes, just a glimpse of that person could bring back tidal waves of emotions and make you realize you've never really outgrown the love (or infatuation) for him/her.

So it happened. Yesterday.

It was funny cause I saw his car after I got down my cab. I knocked on his window and he said he's just going to park and he'll meet me at the coffee shop.

I walked, while he drive. I smoked while I waited. He came up and asked if I wanted anything and he ordered for both of us. I sat there outside with a ciggy in one hand and I was trembling. I texted a friend to calm my nerves, but it didn't work.

Minutes later, he was sitting in front of me. We started with small talk, about work, family, common friends who are now married, and the tsunami disaster. Then we got to the part where he asked if I was seeing anyone. I said, "No" and automatically thought if it was a loser answer.

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, a duet of acoustic guitar and flute started to play romantic songs. (The same duet who played there last week, Thursday, when I went shopping with Gary.) They started playing An Affair to Remember, Theme from Phantom of the Opera - All I Ask of You, Fallin', and It Might be You.

Here I was sitting in a coffee shop, with the guy I used to be with, listening to the instrumental of Moon River (one of my most favorite songs), and I couldn't help but close my eyes. As I was humming through the song, I looked inside my heart and realized that he's still there. Yes, I will always love him. But I'm not in love with him anymore.

The moment would have been perfect had I been sitting there with the man I would be in love with. We would be sitting side by side. Maybe he'd put one arm around me and pull me close. Hold hands. And drop a soft small kiss on my lips as we listen to the duet.

But that man is not the man I was with last night.

I kept my eyes close through the rest of the song as I could feel my lids getting a bit wet. I was happy to finally feel it's all over. A period is finally placed. I had gotten off the rollercoaster and I came out alive, whole, and happy. Happy, even though I'm not with anyone. Glad that I'm finally over him and there's still something left of me for me.

So happy that I'm crying (until now) that I've finally found myself.

Moon River
Andy Williams

Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossin' you in style some day
Old dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me

instrumental-part of first verse

Old dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after that same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me

instrumental fade out
p.s. I know all my friends, especially from those in highschool, who had been there and known the story about him, would probably be cheering and thanking God it's finally finished.