eulogy

Tonight, I bury something that has been a part of my life for the longest time.

Although I know my friends are most likely rejoicing to this decision of mine, I weep as I mentally bury years of insurmountable love, unimaginable happiness, and immense pain.

As I begin this make-believe interment, to write a eulogy is the best tribute to this monumental episode of my life. Though this leaves me vulnerable, I believe there is no other way. To write my eulogy is to put an end on his chapter, to bid adieu to this life long rollercoaster ride, and to begin un-loving process.

One of things that stuck in my Ateneo philo class days is that love is a decision. Theoretically, I knew that "un-loving" someone would have to be a decision as well. It is only now that I realize this is true. No person, action or event can make me not love the one I love.

Only I can do that. Only I can decide when I stop loving someone.

Now that I have decided, I begin this commital. I give to you my eulogy.

This Love
August 21(?), 1993 - May 16, 2004


First Love.
Legendary Boyfriend.
Bestfriend.

This love has been the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. It has taught me not to question what my rational mind cannot comprehend. To learn to accept, believe, and have faith. To give without expecting anything in return. To love without expecting to be loved. To accept the things that I cannot change.

It has humbled in more ways one than one. It has taught my heart to be resilient, to bleed with every pain, and to heal with every love. Best of all, it has given me strength and courage to face my fears, stand up when I fall, help me through thick and thin, and move on.

To encapsulate it all, I borrow a song from Evanescence.

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along