past is past

I love my boyfriend. I sincerely do.

Despite the emotional stress we’ve been experiencing together, we realize we are worth staying together for. We have affirmed and reaffirmed our love for each other by being more committed now, and taking things a little more slowly.

He still has issues, all in his head.

While I, have tons of memorabilia.

I’m the kind of person who keeps everything, which is why my room is almost always a mess. I’m an emotional and physical packrat. I have scrapbooks and photos and letters from my early days.

That includes those of the ex-boyfriends.

I have boxes, albums, and a scrapbook from my various exs.

Last Saturday, I showed it to him. I showed him things that I’ve kept over the years, that I’ve never shown anyone else.

Sunday, I burned them all.

I still have blisters and burn marks when one of the pictures accidentally flew towards my knees.

After more than 6 years, I’ve let go of the clutter in my past. Simply because he didn’t care.

My boyfriend doesn’t care about what happened with his predecessors. All of that happened before him and he bares no grudges whatsoever.

After all, what they lost, he now gained.

Tell me, who wouldn’t love a guy like that?

v-day curse

I have a Valentines’ day curse. With four boyfriends (three of which are exs) to my name, I never spent Valentines’ day with my special someone. Two out of the four relationships “expired” before V-Day, while the last ex was skiing with his boss in Germany.

I thought this year would be different.

But I was wrong.

No flowers. No date on this 14th of February 2006.

Primarily because he thought it would be best to celebrate V-Day tomorrow, the opening night of a movie I’ve been eager to watch since October last year. So tomorrow morning, he’d pick me up around 7am, we’d have breakfast, lunch, and a movie marathon at night. “Goal!” for me, “Aeonflux” for him.

He did give me a very sweet and very nice card when he arrived this morning at work.

But that wasn’t his only surprise for me.

For a few minutes during the midmorning break, I thought we lost “us.”

I never talked about much on how we came about - the background of the story of “us.” Primarily because I find it too special, that I would want to savor it in my heart. On how I found this one special guy, who looked tough, big, and formidable on the outside, but one big lug of mush and sensitivity inside. On how in the middle of the movie “Doom” that I realized I wanted it to be more than “just-friends” date. On how the second time he brought me home would turn out to be the night he said, “Officemate lang?”, indicating he’d want something more than that. On how we’d been honest about each other, laying our cards on the table, and not playing the rules of the pakipot dating game.

“If it’s up to just the two of us,” he said. “If we disregard what other people would think, will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

Also, because I didn’t want to talk about the other half of the story - the other half that would make anyone think that I’m just a rebound girl. About how I was there to help him nurse his broken heart. About how I feel guilty that he didn’t give his ex-girlfriend another try because I was there. That the end his previous relationship and the start of ours is way too close for comfort. About how I sometimes think that this relationship is a figment of my imagination.

I didn’t want to be judged. I knew what I was feeling and I thought I knew his, too.

Now he tells me he needs time alone. To mourn for his past, to face up to the guilt he’s feeling, and the disappointment he caused to the people around him.

I’ve been bracing myself to hear the words for the past three weeks now, ever since we talked about calling off delaying the wedding.

It’s not because there’s no love.

It’s not because there’s regret.

It’s just because everything happened so fast that we didn’t take time to see beyond the “us.” We didn’t count on how our parents would react, or the headline stories we created at work, or how his friends of many years would react to the break-up his 7-year relationship.

If it was just the two of us, things would be perfect.

But it isn’t. In a way, we started the relationship at the wrong foot with the people around us.

As I stand in front of him hearing his words of how much he’s tired of the emotional burden he’s been carrying, I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to cause additional pain to what he’s feeling. As he opened his heart to me, I felt my own heart breaking.

I told him I’d give him time alone. That I’m willing to let him go to sort out his issues. That we can still be friends.

Tears rolled down my eyes and I realized just how much I love him. It dawned to me immediately after I said those words, that I love him enough to let him go.

I didn’t realize that what I said made a difference to what he’s thinking. He was expecting anger and disappointment from me, not understanding. He was expecting me to be emotional and to lash out on him, but I didn’t.

In the end, I think it made him love me even more.

A relationship ends when the commitment to work things out is gone. It’s not because the passion or the love has died, rather it’s the loss of the effort make things right for each other. That after all initial emotional reactions, understanding each other and accepting each other’s differences, strengths, and weakness would be critical success factors of a lifetime relationship.

My Valentines’ day might not have the traditional concept I had in mind. A break-up on V-Day would leave a definite scar on my psyche. I maybe spending the night at home, typing in front of the computer, and blogging about what I went through.

But I got the man who still wants to marry me someday, at home in Cavite, texting me to say that “Love Actually” is showing Star Movies.

Let’s watch it together apart, shall we? =)

comment on my comments

I did some long overdue blog-hopping and found out what's been happening to my blogmates.

Some have updated. Some have been remissed as I have been.

I read more not so-good-news than happy news from my friends. Though I don't know what they've been going through, I feel like I share a little bit of their pain.

Probably because I'm going through something horribly painful as well.

*Sigh.*

Ang maganda lang dito nakikisama ang mundo sa sama ng loob mo/ko.

disappointing cecil

I have been told that I get disappointed a lot since I have high expectations from people around me. True enough, expectations can lead to disappointment when these are not met.

Someone told me that you shouldn't expect anything from anybody. That you can only rely on yourself to make things happen. And I agree with him.

But what if someone promises you something? Would it be bad for you to expect? Can someone honestly blame you for being disappointed? That even if you understand the circumstance, wouldn't you feel down for the first couple of hours, minutes, or seconds?

It is as if expecting people to keep their end of the bargain and being disappointed when they don't is such a crime. Why is it that the blame lies on the expectant rather than the one who made the promise? S/he becomes unreasonable for being disappointed when things don't happened as originally agreed upon.

No wonder people don't try harder to keep their word.

My mom promised me and my brother Hong Kong as his graduation gift.

This weekend was the annual travel fair where we got our cheap HK tickets last year. I heard from my parents that a lot of people attended and as of yesterday, cheap tickets to HK were sold out.

When my mom called me to tell me that she wasn't able to get us tickets because they cost twice as much, I was disappointed. I was soooo looking forward to taking a break. I was sooooo upset that I ended up venting to the boyfriend. Ivan, being the pragmatic guy that he is, reasoned out with me and couldn't seem to grasp why I was feeling disappointed considering that I understand the predicament of my folks.

Understanding doesn't mean it takes the pain away.

When my folks picked me up, I was a little bit ok (after ranting it out.) My mom was asking me how I was and if I was ok.

You see, my folks rarely makes promises. Once they do, you know that they'd keep their word. So I understand my mom being concerned and all.

With my brother seated at the front, I noticed he wasn't feeling moody as he normally would be when my parents break a promise. It was then that my mom announced that we were going to Singapore instead, as a whole family.

=)

Parents never disappoint, which is probably a more compelling reason why I shouldn't hurry to get married.

p.s. I only get disappointed when a person gives his word, but doesn't back it up in action. In other words, hangin lang pala.

p.p.s. I know someone's pissed at me for not keeping my word when I said that I'd stop smoking as my New Year's resolution. So in a way, I am disappointing him.

p.p.p.s. Can we call it quits then? After all, he changed his mind *toot toot*.

blogging once more

Admittedly, I haven't been able to go online for quite sometime now... I may have had an opportunity to surf the net but there was just not enough time to visit my own blog, let alone create an entry.

But I'm making an effort now.

To be honest with you, the past couple of months have been really hectic. First and foremost, my parents left for the U.S. for 7 weeks to spend the holidays there with my brother and his family, and various relatives. It was a very lonely (and sad) Christmas for me and my brother, since we were orphans then.

Good thing I had have a boyfriend to keep me warm during the Christmas season. In fairness, he was a pseudo-family man, driving me around, doing the groceries with me, amongst other household chores. Between work and spending weekends with me doing chores, there wasn't really much time to date.

Work was not getting any lighter at all. Even during the Christmas season, where everyone is in the mood to party, problems projects kept pouring in like there was no tomorrow.

Currently, I have 16 projects, mini-projects, problems, and administrative work that I have to attend to. All due in a short amount of time. I can't fathom how I'd be able to attend to everything given that I only have 8 hours a day. Right now I'm spending 12 to 14 hours a day on the weekdays, and have started to spend weekend at work.

But it's worth it. Especially since I received my regularization Memo last Tuesday. Yahoooo! I'm a regular employee now. They can't easily fire me. That is, unless I decide to quit with the pressure I am going through.

This is on top of the personal problem I'm going through. Although, this is the biggest understament of this post. The gist of it is... Sometimes, people get disappointed. Their aspirations, dreams, or life-long goals are suddenly crushed by things that are beyond thier reach.

I can't wait for April 1. I'm planning for a trip with my entire family. Gawd, I can hardly wait.