wake up call

I woke up with a start this morning. At 5:44am, I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend that stated, "whether you like it or not, you have to move on without me... i can't be there anymore..."

Now, wny am I busting my bum out because of this text?

(Aside from the fact that the phrase "you have to move on without me...", is the most obnoxious and arrogant part of the text that sent me fuming and blogging at 6:27am. What a jackass!)

Quite frankly, something has been bothering me for the past week (which explains why I haven't been posting much.) For some strange reason, and my demented thoughts, I had gone to ask this particular ex-boyfriend for help, taking into context his experiences with the subject matter of what's bothering me. Maybe he could talk to me about dealing with fears, or at least covering up on them, since God knows he has a lot of them.

(Ok, I'm being sarcastic here.)

While I realize that we are no longer together, I had counted on the fact that he cared enough for me for us to remain friends. I was wrong in that count.

That's one less person to go to my funeral.

I may not be the world's greatest girlfriend, but I sure know I'm one hell of a friend. I keep my friends close to my heart and am not the kind of person to cut ties with them, just because it's no longer convenient.

When we share experiences with people, a past so to speak, this is what forges the bond between us. Unless you experience a case of amnesia, then this forged friendship will always be there for the both of you. You can't ignore the fact that you happened on each other's life. And that you're experiences with one another contributed to the person that you have become now.

But then, I realize, not all people belive that. Not all are like that.

Some people would rather forget than remember.

Such a sad way to get up from bed.

inspired

Inspired by Mark's blog, I am posting [one of] my first sunset shot[s].


Sunset at Newcastle, United Kingdom
14 August 2003 around 9:30PM

weekend (morbid) notes

I know this is a non-sense post but I'll post it anyway... I need to get it out of my system anyhoo.

• I woke up Sunday morning scared to death. Primarily, because I dreamt I lost all my upper teeth. No, it's not because I didn't like what I look but rather what the dream represented. The time my mom dreamt she lost her tooth, a family friend died. When my aunt dreamt the same thing, my grandfather died. It's like a bad omen of some misfortune (or death) to come.


• I went to my mom and told her about it. She said I shouldn't have told her, instead I should have bitten a piece of wood so that the "curse" of the dream would take effect on the wood and not on my loved ones.


• Even though I'm not really supertitious, I did just that. I guess I'm too scared to lose anybody. Better safe than sorry.


• To be honest, I cried a little at the thought that I would be losing anyone close to me. Or I might be the one to die. I got to the point that I wanted to text everyone I knew something like this:

I thank God that you happened in my life. For all the experiences, the good and the bad, you have influenced me to be the person that I am right now. Thank you for being the gift that you are.

• Morbid, isn't it? Maybe I should have included "Take care. I love you."


• I watched Constatine yesterday with my mom and brother. The last time I went to the movies with my mom was when we watched Titanic eight years ago. I think I shushed my mom more than once during the movie because she was talking while we were watching.


• I never liked it when people talk in the moviehouse.


• We got to the moviehouse early since we wanted to catch the first screening. Well, we were too early because they weren't selling tickets yet when we got there. We ended up waiting for about an hour before they showed the flick... Sooooo long that we ended up eating all of our chips and baon before the trailer even got shown.


• Hmmm, you think my mom will ever forgive and forget the fact that I shushed her?


• I hope nobody dies anytime soon.


• My mom warned me not to go out this week and to take care of myself since I've been getting sick since last week. The teeth dream might imply something like that and I may not be fit to fly out next week.


• How would people react if I did send that message?


• It's not that I can't handle death. Ultimately, I know we all die. I just can't handle missing the person immediately after s/he passes away.


• I feel lost and sad. =(

genuine article

Last Monday, while I was on leave and taking care of my passport, a male officemate of mine left a single red rose on my desk.

Before you put any color to his action, I'd like you to know that he gave the other girls (single, attached, married, or otherwise) in the office the same thing. This made me wonder what he gave his girlfriend! Yes, folks, this sweetie has a girlfriend.

Now, before you go on judging the guy, let me tell you this: he's a genuine sweetheart. Now what do I mean by that?

You see, I learned (the hard way) that guys are often sweet to girls because they're interested in the girl and would want to make the object of their affection theirs. Either that, or they badly need the girl's help. In other words, what's in it for them for being sugary sweet?

This makes me wonder if it's all just an act. That guys can pretend to be sweet when they want something. That guys are not inherently sweet. That they are conscious to being sweet, especially when it's expected of them, but otherwise are not.

I realize that some of you maybe objecting because I may be generalizing based on my experiences. I'm sure there are really nice guys out there but niceness and sweetness is not the same thing. Sweetness to the significant other doesn't really count because it's expected of them. I mean, how many guys would go out of his way and buy a lot of girls (who are his friends) roses on the day flowers are most expensive?

Ok. Ok. Maybe 1, 2, 5, 10, 50, 500. But it's still marginal compared to the rest of the male population who are "generally not sweet".

It's easier for women to be sweet(er) and guys... well, to be guys a.k.a indifferent and unaffected on "memorable days". A lot of my male friends would gladly do favors for me (as I would for them) but none of them ever thought of giving me a rose on Valentine's day.

I asked my officemate why he gave me a rose and you know what he said (aside from the obvious that he gave other girls the same thing)?

"'Cause I recall you mentioning you never had a decent Valentine."

post valentine mortem

For the first time, since I discovered the wonders (and disillusion) of love and relationship, I didn't gripe about this year's Valentine.

My track record for the three ex-boyfriends during that time of the year was non-existent. Yes, dear friends (and readers), I have never experienced an honest-to-goodness Valentine date. So what else would be new for this year?

I decided to spend Vday differently. I didn't go to work because I had a date. Three dates to be exact. My first date was a very early morning date (without breakfast) with the DFA a.k.a. Department of Foreign Affairs.

My passport is due to expire on June 2005 but my mom and I found out we can't travel if the passport is not valid for at least six months. This, of course, required us to have our passports expedited because we're leaving on the first week of March for a trip.

Since we wanted to avoid long lines, we left the house at 5am. It took us 3hours to lineup and have it processed. Thankfully, we were done by 9am. Unfortunately, we forgot how traffic it was during Valentine's and ended up going home around lunch time.

Ergo, my second date. A very nice lunch out with my immediate family. My mom's treat. =)

Afterwhich, my brother and I had a date with our derma. There we endured a couple of hours of relaxation and pain (in that order) for vanity's sake.

The whole day stressed me out which caused me to have a slight fever (lagnat) by late afternoon. I think my love-nat was my only reminder that it was Valentine's Day and that I should be out with someone special, who would be taking care of me.


my 2005 valentine's memorabilia... good for five years!

we are the champions

I think I mentioned in my previous (really older) posts that I only watch basketball if it's the NBA finals or the UAAP Ateneo-La Salle games. For the past couple of weeks, with the great influence of Mark, I got to tune in to the local PBA finals.

When it comes to PBA, I've always been a Ginebra fan -- primarily because it was the team that my kuya loved back when I was in grade school, which is a zillion years ago. (Now he only watches NBA since he lives in the States.) Old habits die hard, if they die at all, so I've been cheering for them since game1 in the best of seven finals. Booed when they did something stupid and shouted cheers for them when they scored in the confines of my room.

When Ginebra led the series with a game at 3-2, I knew the next game would mean the championship cup if Ginebra won. So I got myself 3 tickets for the Friday game, assured by Mark and Chris that they will watch with me.

Last Friday, I tried to finish my work and meetings early, intent on going to Araneta a little early to get good seats. Of course, all day long I've been trying to get in touch with either Mark or Chris to know if they're picking me up or we're just meeting there.

Knowing Mark as well as I do, as mentioned in my November-December posts, I should have expected that they'll be backing out in the last minute. So at 5:30pm, I have three tickets for a 7:00pm game and I wasn't sure if I was going to go by myself.

Luckily, my officemates were willing to go with me. We were four and decided that the fourth ticket will be brought from a scalper and headed to Araneta, where other 18,000++ people were also heading.

One thing I can say is that, I'm glad I didn't miss the game at all!


me and the officemates who watched the game

ginebra the champions celebrating in the big dome

me and pbl player alex compton in hazy shots

the better choice

Which is actually better

... to be the girl bestestfriend (guaranteed a lifetime more or less...)

or

... to be the bestest girlfriend (for an indefinite period of time but less likely to succeed...)

???

And ...

What if your feelings point to the latter option, while his feelings point towards the former?

malate3

Somehow, I got to gimik last Saturday and came home at 6am without getting my ears blistered that much. Even though I was supposed to be home at 12midnight, promised to be home at 2am, and ended up going home just before the sun rose.

Yep, I didn't get grounded.

That's cause I told my parents I was with Cookie (I think my parents trust her more than they trust me.) After months and months 6 weeks of not seeing other, I bumped into her in Malate. Actually, Chris (who met her once before) saw her and pointed her out to me.

We chatted for awhile and she was headed to another place to meet her ex-boyfriend. I wanted to join her but hating her ex as much as I do, I opted to stay at Arkadia. It was a good thing that she and her ex had a fight that brought her back to where I was at.

I told her I was leaving by 2am cause I promised my folks. She said she'd be going home at 3am. We ended up leaving the place around 430am with me so drunk that the boys brought me home. (Yes, Cookie, I'm admitting it now.)

It was so ironic that Cookie, who drinks a lot, settled for two bottles of beer and I had six shots of tequila. I remember everything about that night that made me say I wasn't drunk to everyone who asked. However, the next morning, when I realized that I actually paid for 8 shots when I only had 6, I had to admit it!

I love my Malate pictures. Probably because I look very nice with my new haircut!



Me and my best girl bud


Me, Cookie, and our new found friend, Eric


Me, Cookie, and my two best guy buds


Me, Mark, and Chris


The picture that got people asking "Kayo na?"
Hindi pa.

Hindi talaga.

down memory lane

Gary, Ara, Nuni (Ara's friend), and I hooked up earlier at Starbucks (Leviste) for a little over an hour just to see each other. It's been awhile since we chilled.

As I sat in one of the chairs, smoke on one hand, I looked out to the park up front and recalled the last time I was there. It was late at night, after our masteral class, when Chrysnan, Karen, and I bought a couple of beers from a ministop at the corner of Leviste and headed to the park to drink the last few sessions of our thesis class. It was our last term together and all of us were rushing for the finish line.

That was almost two years ago.

When we said our goodbyes and went on our separate ways, I decided to visit my school, a home for two years in my life. There were little old faces, all of which were professors and staffers. I chit-chatted with some -- all of which boiled down to the question, "How's your love life?" Not "How's work?" or "How's your family/batchmates?" but "When are you getting married?"

I politely answered and took refuge in the GP Laboratory, where I am writing my post now.

In all my academic years, it was with my masters that I enjoyed the most. Aside from the fact that I excelled (I graduated with a gold medal when I didn't even get to the dean's list in college) and paid for my own tuition, it's when I had the most fun, most gimik/activities, and most friends (ranging from students my age and beyond, and staffers and teachers who I've maintained in contact with.) This where I became active, intellectually and socially, the most. Where I learned how to balance my time with my work, my school work, my gimiks, and my family. Where I learned how to prioritize and sacrifice to reach my goals. (I didn't have a boyfriend while I was studying until my last term when I knew I was going to make it to graduation.)

I know for sure that my masters, my school, and my time in this institution, is one of the major reasons why I am where I am in my career. The skills and confidence I've learned, backed with my corporate experiences, have made me a cut above the rest.

This is a post thanking Ateneo Information Technology Institute (AITI) for those two great years. With you, I wouldn't have an M.S. Information Management to my name.

acute insomnia

in-som-ni-a n.
Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time.

I don't think I've ever had insomia before. I had one nighters when I couldn't bring myself to sleep because of a good book, gimik, or stress (that I end up cleaning my room.) Of course, back in the school days, it was mandatory to stay awake for an exam or project or my thesis (to which I attribute my loss of 17lbs in 2003!)

There's always a reason not to sleep. After all, I love sleeping.

But for the past two days I just couldn't sleep. On Monday night, I went to bed around 8pm since I was tired from work. I ended up sleeping at 3:30am the next day. Hence, I decided not to go to work yesterday because my head was throbbing like hell. I slept some part of the day before doing some errands and chores. Then around 10pm I turned in. Ended up staying awake till 5:00am today. I can't afford to miss work two days in a row so I got to the office a little later than usual.

Normally, tv or a book would make me sleepy (especially if they're re-runs) but last night it wasn't working. I've managed to watch Amazing Race 6 and Zoe Busiek: Wildcard three times each and Charmed twice during the night. As much as I wanted to sleep, I just couldn't. It's like my mind is all awake even though my body is yearning for much needed rest.

Tell me, is there a way to tell your mind that your body needs to sleep already???

Funny thing is, nothing is stressing me as of the moment. No heavy thinking, work, family, or lovelife whatsoever. Hmmm, maybe the non-thinking is poving to be the cause of my mind's restlessness.