20 questions to a better relationship

I took a test entitled 20 Questions To A Better Relationship that I got from a friend.

This is a, without a doubt, 99% accurate.

* * *
eXpressive: 9/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a XPIT--Expressive Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Manager.

You are cool, thoughtful and intelligent. Your approach and your sense of humor are under-the-radar, your charm is undeniable. You keep everything under control. You have distinctive vocal mannerisms. You may not have much interest in approaching strangers, but when you do, you are successful.

You will probably end up with someone beautiful, fascinating and off-balance. While your partner may steal the limelight, it's you that keeps things running smoothly and provides stability in your relationship. If you are with someone as contemplative and hard-headed as you, you can have a tough time.

Your greatest asset is that you tackle conflict as it rises -- you don't ignore it and let it brew. If you have a partner that *does* let it brew, it will make you crazy! You can find yourself fighting for two -- trying to anticipate your partner's needs and draw their feelings out -- which is exhausting and, well, not your job.

You would never cheat. You would make an excellent spouse. When your spouse's friends met you, they would think, "Crap, why couldn't I get that one?"

Of the 113386 people who have taken this quiz, 6% are this type.

wanna join us?

Some blogger girls are planning to meet up on October 9, 2004, Saturday, around 7-nish at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Company in Eastwood, Libis.

In case you're interested to join us, drop me a line.

food cravings

Whenever I have food cravings, I really have food cravings and I get really weird specific food cravings.

Part of me thought it was just because I'm about to have my period. Normally, I would settle with a pint of Double Dutch or Coffee Crumble. Apparantly, it's not working since I'm a couple of days delayed. My food cravings have turned from sweet tooth to main lunches!

* * *
Last week, I took a day off work so that I could get to eat at Manang's (oh, yeah, I had to attend to some personal matter, as well.) Manang's is one of the canteens inside Ateneo de Manila, Loyola Campus, near the college covered courts. It basically serves inihaw (grilled pork), porkchop, gulay (veggies), among other things.

Neva, Cookie, and I are college batchmates. So when we met up for the Chocolate Buffet in Manila Penn, Cookie mentioned that she's been to Manang's recently. After which, we went on a trip down memory lane, recalling all the times we used to eat (and have fun) there.

Then we had a crazy idea of eating there on an ordinary school day. Among all of us, I was the only one who had an 8 to 5 job that required me to take a leave. So we set it.

If you're an Atenean, you know that Manang's is an institution. If you graduated a long time ago, and haven't been there for quite some time now, you would feel exactly how much we missed the food there. Thus, you would be envious happy to know that we got to eat there.

Thursday, almost lunch time, we met up there and ordered enough food to feed an army. I have to admit, I gorged myself up with inihaw, porkchop, and ginatang kalabasa. I couldn't take another bite, swear, but I couldn't stop myself from eating. I even had two bottles of Mountain Dew to wash down what I ate.


If you happen to be in the Ateneo campus on a school day, make sure to passby Manang's. Promise you, it will be worth it. But be there before noon because the inihaws would be gone by 12:30pm.

* * *
Today, I had another craving. Sisig. And the best sisig in town is in Aysee, near Ultra here in Pasig. If you haven't been there, well, I have to say you're not really into sisig.

I asked people from work if they wanted to have lunch there and I got 5 "ayes". So the six of us packed ourselves in our officemate's lowered Honda Civic, cringing at every hump we passed on.

It was pretty packed when we got there. But soon enough, we got ourselves a table. We ordered sisig, pusit (squid), sizzling mushroom, crispy pork, extra rice, and a bottle Coke (1.5 liters).

It's pretty cheap, too! We only paid P76 per head. The only problem is that we ended up smelling like eau de sisig.

If you want to die early, eat there! You would have cholesterol overload. Hahaha :) Kidding aside, you should go there at least once to experience the best sisig in town.

dad's saying

My dad always tells me, "Marry the man who loves you and not the man you love."

Everytime he says it, he and I have an argument. On my point, I cannot imagine saddling up myself with someone I don't love. It's imperative that I love the guy with all my heart before I can commit myself to him. Otherwise, it just doesn't seem to be worth it.

My dad claims that a girl can learn to love a guy but a guy can almost never learn to love a girl. The guy either loves a girl or not. The guy who truly loves a girl would do anything in his power to care, provide, pamper, and not hurt her.

This has been the way with my parents.

Historically, my mom did not love my dad when they first got together because she was in love with someone else. She, however, had the hindsight to recognize that my dad was a better man to be with than the first guy. So when they got my grandfather's approval, my mom shacked up with my dad. Almost twenty-seven years later, they're still together and my mom has learned to love my dad as he deserves to be loved.

Seeing how my dad evidently loves my mom more, I know that I don't want to end up like them. I have a very strong personality and I don't like the idea that I have the ability to control my husband because of the fact that he loves me more than I love him. It's not like I don't want a man who worships the ground I walk on, it's more of not letting me walk all over him.

I want to be with someone who will take hold of the relationship and not let me run it according to my wishes because he thinks it will make me happy. I want someone who is man enough to care and provide for me (and our future family) but would not give into my every whim. Yes, the romantic in me wants the knight in shining armor, but I definitely do not want a puppy who licks my ankle.

I know that my dad and I will never agree on the man-who-would-be-my-spouse because no guy will ever be good enough for his only daughter. (Come to think, he never really agreed on anyone I brought home.) But I'm optimistic that someday we will reach a compromise -- I will marry the man who loves me a little more than I love him.

* * *
Last night, I watched Oprah and her guest was Gwyneth Paltrow. They talked about an experience Ms. Paltrow had with her dad when she was ten years old. One weekend, her dad took her to Paris, France and let her order anything she wanted from room service. For a couple of days, she had the time of her life.

On the flight home, her dad asked her if she knew why she was brought to Paris. She said she thought it was just to spend time alone with her dad bonding, like her brother was spending the weekend alone with their mom.

Her dad said something like, "It's because I wanted you to see Paris for the first time with man who loves you very much."

It was then that I realized that I have found the man who loves me more than I love him -- my dad. I don't need to look for a guy out there who would love me more than I love him because I don't think any guy could/would ever measure up to how much my dad loves me.

I love you, Papa.

it all started with a text

Yesterday I sent a message to some of my friends stating:

pnta nko L.A. s
Sept29.gv k tel#
ko if im there
na...cn i cu at
least b4 i
leave?Sori 4d
short notice.i hv
no choice.
knukuha nako kc
ng...AMERICAN IDOL

Let's just say some of my friends were ready to kill me after reading that message.

I received replies like "Bastos ka, Cecil. Kala ko totoo!" or "Loka!" or "Pootah, muntik na ako maniwala." or "You got me there."

Among all who reacted I love the funny ones, like:

"Sali ka sa bagong reality show? Ano yun? The Osbornes?"

"Ano ka? Female version ni William Hung?"

"Ikaw rin?? I'm leaving din kasi eh. For The Bachelor naman."

I really had a great time sending those messages and reading my friends' replies. Those who didn't bother texting back, I'm sure laughed or smiled at least. Imagine me, being in American Idol? Hilarioyus.

I guess it was a road test as to how they would react if I tell them I'm leaving the next time around. Probably they'd treat me like the boy who cried wolf.

* * *
Most of the recipients of my texts knew of my plans to leave for the U.S.

Truthfully, I was supposed to leave by the last quarter of this year with my mom. We were thinking I'm not likely to celebrate my birthday and Christmas here. But by virtue of luck (good or otherwise), my mom's papers were not processed in time for us to plan for that trip. Until now, her immigration papers are somewhere in the state of California and Nevada being processed.

The plan now is to move it to the first quarter of next year. Either I go with her, or my dad goes with her. (Somehow, I think my mom is willing to take me along to prevent the late night parties I used to host when they're not around -- according to our neighbors. Joke!) They think I have a better opportunity finding a job (and love) there than here. Either my parents have given up hope on me, or my mom is still hoping she'll get her blue-eyed, blond hair grandchild.

I have a couple of reasons why I'm not in a hurry to leave: my friends, the lifestyle, the gimiks, my friends, my relatives, the low-priced alcohol, the culture, the happenings, and my friends.

There is only one reason why I'm going. My family. If my immediate family is all there, why should I remain here?

I'm still looking at sticking around for at least two years. My brother won't graduate till then. But if it's next year, then it's time to go.

a bloggers' date

I have a new friend.

Last night, I met with a fellow blogger, Bunny, at Starbucks, Emerald. I was at the meeting place a little earlier than she.

Me (text): How do I know it's you?

Bunny (text): Wearing jeans and a lavander tank top. :) I'm in Emerald na. I have to tell you now, I look harassed ha. Hehe :)

Me (text): Haha :) It's not like you're going out on a date date. :)

She suddenly popped in and said, "It's not like it's a date date ha."

And there started our first date.

We never realized that we were both riding in the same boat until that night. Kindered spirits among the gazillions of people in the planet. We graduated from college at the same year. We're both smokers (and prefer to date smokers). We both had bad relationship experiences, as well as, similarities in the experiences (i.e. both our exes told us we're fat and how some guys help us boost our confidence.) We both even like the same barista, Mark, at the Coffe Bean and Tea Leaf in Eastwood.

In the middle of the conversation, I lamented to her how come my ex-boyfriends become so much better boyfriends with the girlfriends after me. She helped me coin a name for ex-girlfriends-who-made-their-ex-boyfriends-better-boyfriends-for-their-new-girlfriends. She calls me, and women like me, guinea girlfriends. That brought us laughing. The rest of the night passed by sharing experiences and some more laughs. She's like me, in a way. Easy to get along with and easy to invite out -- in other words, kaladkarin. :)

Now we have a new mission. To bring bloggers like us, initially, of course, together for coffee and talk. Until we can get all bloggers in the area to join. After which, maybe we could push through with the book she mentioned in her blog.

drunk on chocolate

Last Friday night, my oldest, closest friends, Cookie and Neva, and I got together at the Manila Penn for a chocolate buffet. It was a pre-celebration of Cookie's birthday as well as a lot of catching up since the last time we were together was ages ago.

Cookie and I got there early and while we were having a fag, she saw a person she never thought she'd likely see -- her own chuvakah (the counterpart of my disastrous date date.) I have to say though, he looked much better, coming from San Francisco, compared to the first time I saw him. I take back what I said about her chuvakah being worse than mine! Apparantly, he has more brains and a better conversationalist than mine had been, which is earned him 1000 pogi points.

Neva got in a bit later cause she forgot Cookie's gift and we ended up congregating around 9pm. As we sat in the lounge area, waiting for our table, we started catching up on a lot of things. Cookie coming from Singapore, Neva from Edinburgh, and me... Well, from the office.

Neva and I didn't get to have dinner, while Cookie had hers. Obviously, we were ravenous. At the back of my mind, I was wondering how the hell am I going to be full on chocolates. I've always been a rice person and somehow getting stuffed on chocolates was not a likely way for me to feel satiated. I have a very small sweet tooth, you know.

That was, until I had my first bite of the sinfully rich fondue. I could go on and on about the chocolates that I tasted but to be frank with you I can't remember a single name. All I knew was that they melt in my mouth so well, filled my senses, and I was in chocolate heaven.

In short, I got drunk on chocolate.

In the middle of the lobby, with music of Somewhere in Time playing on the background, my friends and I were talking, sharing, and laughing like there was no tomorrow. Topics shifted from reminiscing on highschool days, how bad it was for us, and those who made our lives miserable then, to serious ones like the future, marriage, kids and pets (they're both cat people, while I prefer kids.) We got to a point when we were discussing each other's past relationships and how much we abhored certain men in our friends' lives. We had flighty topics as well like taking the next plane to Boracay or having one night stands (one clued us in where to get it best in Boracay.) But I'm sure that the chocolate, being an aphrodisiac, was the one talking there.

A little after midnight, my friends thought it was better to get me out of the Penn since I was eyeing (and being eyed) by one of the practicumers. They thought me to be really drunk, instead of the mere tipsy I was. We ended up walking to Greenbelt 3 since Cookie wanted to sing her heart out. Being that it was her birthday already, we agreed. However, we got to Red Box late, it wasn't worth the amount we were going to pay to stay there. We headed out to Neva's place, bought booze, and crashed in her room.

It was during the walk and unexpected crash at Neva's place that I realized that these two girls are the best friends a girl like me could ever have. If I were to get married, I would have these two women standing by my side as my maids of honor. Yes, they were forthright with their thoughts, even to a point that it hurts, but they also stood by me when the situation calls for it (i.e. what happened that night.) As Cookie truthfully pointed out, they wouldn't be doing that if they weren't my real friends.

We don't get that much time to spend together as we would like because we have out own lives to live. I do know that even if we don't get to see each other for months or even years, we would always have this friendship that we could pick up from where we left off. As we raised our glasses for a toast, I see myself wanting to spend more nights like that with friends like them and I can't wait for the next one.

Chocolate-drunk as I may have been, I wouldn't trade everything that night for anything in the world.

thank god for caller id

Last night, I was vegitating. With a cig in one hand and the remote control on the other, I channel-hopped trying to find a show I haven't seen yet. I heard my mom call me from her room and hastily dissed the cig.

My mom said that P was on the phone. I thought it was P, a neighbor who called my celfone a couple of hours back. It ended up being the P of my disastrous first date a week ago.

P started of asking if I was busy and I said I was watching TV. He then moved on to saying, "I can't stop thinking about you... My thoughts are filled with our first date... I've been telling my friends about the great time we had and what we did... I've been telling all my friends about you... I'm not used to not getting to what I want and I want you..."

Oh God, he made my skin crawl!

While he was doing his monologue, I was making a gagging face to my mom. She silently questioned who it was. I whispered it was the bouncer from hell. (I told my mom about my disastrous date.)

In my disbelief, I saw my mom get her celfone and started dialing our landline. As I heard the call waiting tone, I told P that I had to take the call and will call him back.

As I put the phone down, I grinned with my mom as if we were sharing a big secret. Gawd, she rocked! I couldn't believe my mom would do something like that. Some fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. My mom walks up to my room and tells me it's him. It said so in the caller id. She asks what she is supposed to say when she answers the phone. We ended up not answering the phone.

From then on, she screens the caller id first before answering the phone. The phone rang a couple of more times that night. We ended up laughing out loud when my brother asked why we weren't picking up.

Told you my mom rocks! :)

an open letter of owning up

I have no one else to blame but me.

The past few days have been turbulent for the people I love the most -- my family, my friends, and the one I love. Simply because I wrote my most honest and controversial post.

I blogged my previous posts because I needed to release what was inside me. To be able to sound off freely. I didn't mean for it to cause a rift between the people I love and me. I didn't mean to start a verbal war and so I handled it the best way I could. Only, I couldn't protect my love from the harsh words of judgement coming from the different people who read me, from my friends who don't know Jake, to those who don't even know me.

It wasn't easy for me to read what had been written. My heart broke that I have to explain myself to be understood. It wasn't easy to write what could not be explained in words. It clearly wasn't enought that I tried.

The mere situation merited judgement from people wearing moral robes. They did not consider the actual situation and the parties involved. They know my situation based on my blog, or at least think they do, said their two cents (online and offline.)

I cannot expect you, my friends, to understand me but I beseeched you to accept my choices. In the end, I wasn't understood, I was judged. I fought for what I wanted and stated my stand. I admitted I'm not going for the norm, and I opted to defend the person, who you don't know, but who I'm in this situation with.

You stated how can this be love after considering my situation. You think I'm blinded by the smooth delivery of his words. That I have let myself be swayed in this game because I just broke up with my ex and needed affection so badly. That I am settling for the first guy to come along.

I know my love life does not have a good track record. Despite my high IQ, I admit stupidity when it comes to matters of the heart. It has always been my waterloo. My real friends know this and being that, you saw to protect me when I can't protect myself. Please know that I love you for that. I appreciate your honesty (and disdain) to my actions. But I don't exactly appreciate the emotional blackmail (i.e. don't talk to me about him.) It gave me the impression that we can only be friends if I am not involved with someone like Jake, which is not exactly comforting.

I really got doused in cold water. Though your efforts hurt me the most, it did what you intended it to do. I guess the ends justify the means in this case.

Jake, I'm sorry I first asked you to defend us. I'm sorry that I later asked you not to comment and defend yourself because I thought it could get worse. I'm sure it was pretty awful to read all those comments about you. It has not been fair for you to read the judgement placed on you based on my writings. You were judged based on my words and not because of who you actually are.

Not was it fair for me to openly write what should have been kept private. It wasn't fair for you to be maligned this way. I'm sorry that I was responsible for your public persecution. We may have been wrong from the start, but you didn't (and still) don't desrve this.

I admit I'm wrong, I don't want to want to sound like a martyr, nor am I asking for sympathy. I wouldn't even ask for you understanding, since I failed to gain in the first time around. I am not claiming to be a victim here, rather I am claiming responsibility to the consequences of my actions. I am writing this because I was/am wrong and selfish.

This has to end and I'm putting a stop to it. Now. I hope this makes the lot of you happy that I'm doing the "right" thing. God knows, I hurt the people I love in the process because I wanted to be happy. I am doing this because I don't want to lose the other people that I love. Giving up one over a hundred is more economical, don't you think?

(I am not angry. Just bitter. If you wish to say something personal, I would prefer it if you email me rather than posting it in my comments. Thanks!)

torn

I'm hardly unaffected by the comments in my most controversial post. I didn't write that post to elicit these kind of reactions (although I should have seen it coming.) I chose not to comment because I don't want to choose between the people I love.

Until now.

I understand my friends' concerns in my predicament. I understand that they are protective and care very much for my welfare. They don't want me to get hurt because God knows how many times they were there to dry the tears in my eyes. I'm sure they just want me to be happy and find someone that I can live "happily-ever-after" with.

The problem is: They don't have any idea how happy I am (or have been) since I've been with him. He has been judged for his marital status and not the person that he is. Especially not the person that he is when he is with me (not to be taken literally).

It would be difficult to put in to words what we have but I will try. This is short of explaining "our" existence, which does not, in any way, justify what we have.

Looking past the ring on his finger, he has been good to me. He makes me laugh. He allows me to be myself. I have more self-confidence now than I had a couple of months back. In short, he brings out the best in me. He helps me dream of a life I would want to have in the future. It's like experiencing love the first time around -- complete with the teenage giddy feelings and pillow talks at night. This is something I have lost over the years of heartaches. He is helping me revive that romantic part of me.

Yes, I know that this relationship is not the kind that lasts forever. There will come a time that I would be experiencing another heartbreak. But this time, it is different. We both know I'm not the one who's going to be left behind. He and I are both aware that I have one foot outside the door. Despite his male pride, he encourages me to graze until I can find someone who I can spend the rest of my life, living the dreams he and I made together.

He makes me happy like no one can right now. I cannot expect my friends to understand this because they're not in my shoes. My officemates, despite his current situation, accepted him for the good that he brings. They opted not to judge because they know they cannot give the happiness that he is currently giving me. Though, they did say to take care.

Had you asked me a month ago if I was willing to go had God willed me to, I would have said, "Willingly." For the main reason that I felt I have nothing to live for, that my future is bleak and lonely. Honestly, he gave me hope. Hhe gave me a reason to look forward to the next day and the day after that. He painted with me a future that I want to have someday. Something that I am very much looking forward to.

Knowing I know what I want (love), how he feels, and where my friends stand, I hope I won't be asked to choose. I am banking that the years of friendship will not go sour because I opt not to agree with the prevalent opinion.

I was once told, "Don't expect me to stand by you when you know very well how I feel about your situation." I sincerely hope this wouldn't be the case with the friends I have treasured the most since my highschool days.

playing ms. d.j.

If I were to illustrate me through songs, I'd have this list:

Me [in general]: People are People [D'Sound]

When I'm blah: Whatever is the song of the moment

When I'm in love: Any Lucky Penny [Nikki Hassman] and Stay [Lisa Loeb]

Ater every breakup: Cool with You [Jennifer Love Hewitt] and I'll be Okay [Amanda Marshall]

My outlook on life: Rainbow [South Border] and Sakay [MYMP]

In my Bridget Jones mode: Out of Reach [Gabrielle]

When I feel like dancing: Satisfaction [Benny Benassi], Love on the Run [Chicane] and Happy [Square Head]

When I'm angry at work: A Place for My Head [Linkin Park]

Song that made me sleep when I was a baby [says dad]: My Sharona [The Knack]

My videoke song: Buttercup [The Foundations] and Dancing Queen [Abba]

Associated with friends [in general]: I'll Be [Edwin McCain]

Associated with Buzzfriend: Wherever You Will Go [The Calling]

Associated with Ramibabe: This Love [Maroon 5]

Associated with the Ex-bestfriend: Power of Two [Indigo Girls]

Associated with the guy who raped me: To be with You [Mr. Big]

Associated with the First Boyfriend: No One Else Comes Close [Joe]

Associated with the Champion: I Saw Red [Warrant] and Soul to Squeeze [Red Hot Chili Peppers]

Associated with Marcus: Hanging by a Moment [LifeHouse] and Everything You Want [Vertical Horizon]

Associated with the Eternal Crushie: Till They Take My Heart Away [Claire Marlo] and Back to You [John Mayer]

Associated with Jake: Officially Missing You [Tamia] and Another Used to Be [Joe]

Associated with Neva: Love Takes Time [Mariah Carey]

Associated with Cookie: Someday We'll Know [New Radicals]

My wedding song [for my husband]: Grow Old with You [Adam Sandler] and Someone to Watch Over Me [Sting]

My wedding song [for my dad]: Butterfly Kisses [Bob Carlisle]

My wedding dance: The Way You Look Tonight [Tony Bennet] and Moon River [Henry Mancini]

hate (e)mail

I have only received a number of hate mails in my entire life -- they're still less than the fingers of my one hand.

This morning I received my most recent one. It was even accompanied by a text informing that there's a hate mail waiting on my yahoo inbox.

So I opened. Read it. Felt numb. I didn't know how to react.

Only one thing was glaring apart from the "bitch", "stupid", and "kapal ng mukha". It was "Yes, you are a BAD PERSON." (Yes, it was capslocked.)

She had every reason why she wrote it. But before you judge me, I hope you'll hear me out.

* * *

I made another mistake in falling in love with the wrong kind of guy. The married kind of guy. This time I can't claim ignorance because I am aware of his marital status.

We started out as online friends. I knew he was a flirt (online and offline) but I didn't mind. After all, I had my share of online flirting. (I still have to practice on the real thing, though.)

He started telling me about his life and I shared part of mine. He was sweet, caring, and he said the right things at the right time. We both knew it was a game. At least, it started as a game. Nevertheless, it was a safe one. Safe, in the sense, that he was committed and I'm not. That we both knew it would end sooner or later.

The thing that we hadn't counted on was it getting serious. Really serious.

I didn't realize it but he was slowly filling up my emotional bank. He was filling in a void I didn't even know existed. In the short period of time we have known each other, he managed to dig up the "Cecil" that was buried underneath all the pain, heartaches, disappointments, and broken dreams. He brought out the better person in me.

Somehow, I managed to do the same to him. At least, I think I made him behave.

We shared the same dreams and aspirations, the same views on family and values. We have similarities in personalities, but we also have our differences. The Leo and Scorpio in us help our relationship thrive.

Admittedly, he is the second guy who stood firm and put me on my place, never allowing me to bulldoze my way to everything. But he's the first guy who ever allowed me to be myself in the relationship. The first one, I had to pretend to be someone I'm not. But with him, it's the real me. So real that it scares me.

Scares me that I managed to find the ONE guy who can handle me right. That I have found the one guy who I can actually imagine spending the rest of my life with. Having my very own family with (three kids, with their own dogs, nannies are still debatable.) Being a good wife in taking care of my very own husband.

Unfortunately, he's someone else's husband now.

* * *

But despite what she thinks, I haven't acted on the love. I have not been with him nor have not asked him to leave her for me. I have not taken time away from her as she could imagine.

I know that by talking to him I am not exactly "respecting" their marriage. That I might be crossing the boundary of what is moral or not. I admit I am guilty and selfish of stealing some of his time and attention, but nothing that he wasn't willing to give.

In fairness, I have been a good friend to the guy, advised him on handling his wife (and life), and actually prayed for their marriage. That they work things out between the two of them.

I cannot tell her this. I choose not to fan the flames because at her state, she is hurting and angry. She will choose only to hear what she wants to and interpret things to her benefit.

I'm sorry she had to go through her pain. But maybe if she looked inward, she can figure out what drove her husband to me. Then maybe she would stop picking on me and focus on making her marriage work.

* * *

Am I such a bad person for loving someone who is committed to someone else, by being with him, but not really being with him?

Am I such a bad person by playing what-if fantasies with someone else's husband, in the hopes that I'd have my very own in the future?

Cause these are all I'm guilty of.

the dating scene

For some strange reason, I don't go out on dates dates. When I say dates dates, I mean romantic dates. I go out on dinner dates, movie dates, coffee dates, drinking dates, and the like, but I only do so with friends. As in friendly dates.

Last night, I got invited to dinner by a guy I've known for years. We've never met but it was something that was built on the phone and online chatting. He's been inviting me to dinner for the longest time and I thought, "what the heck?" and said "yes" on last night. The thing is, I wasn't expecting it to be a date date. I guess I assumed it was just going to be a dinner date with a friend. I think I assumed too much (or too little, depending on the point of view.)

We had dinner at Burgoo, Podium. He was sweaty and all (even marked the head rest of his seat!), coming from a long walk from the MRT station in Megamall. (Point#1: He doesn't have a car.) Before and after ordering, he was staring at me the whole time. Gawd, you can just imagine my reaction when he took out his phone and started taking pictures of me. Of course at that time, he was harping about his "pretty, tall date". When the food arrived, I got salad on my plate and after I was done, he started adding some more. He cut half of his chicken, put it on my plate, and started slicing it to bite size. (Point#2: Practiced Sweetness. Puhleasseee, if I liked him, I wouldn't mind. Gawd, no!)

In the middle of dinner, he started saying that he think he's found his potential girlfriend. She's very pretty, wearing blue, and she's sitting right in front of him. Wham! I think I got hit by a train there. More picture taking before he invited me to billiards.

He bragged about being good at billiards and so we played 9-ball race to five. Somewhere along the way, I knew he was letting me win. (Point#3: I don't like guys who let me win because I'm a girl/their date. I know I could beat him fair and square in at least one game.) Our score was 5-4 (he won) and lossers had to pay. Of course, I willingly paid for that game. After all, he did pay for dinner and I didn't want to "owe" him anything because of that.

In the middle of the game, he kept saying, "You really got pretty eyes. You're eyes are so chinky, just like mine."

I told him that was a liner. It reminded me very much of the seen from She's All That, when Freddie Prinze Jr. took of Rachel Leigh Cook's glasses. That was soooooo lame.

At the end of the game, he said "You're a pretty good player." (Yeah, right! How would you really know when you were making me win?) After which he added, "Pretty girl, too."

Like duh!

By the way, did I forget to mention he's still taking pictures while we were playing billiards?

I told him I had to go home but he asked if we could have coffee since it was only 9:45pm. I agreed to it, thinking it will be the last date I'll ever go out with him in.

Boy was I wrong. Soooo wrong.

At Starbucks (still in Podium), he asked me out for Friday night, an RX Yuppie Party, cause he had two invites. (Point#4: He assumes that I'll be impressed because he knows the DJs of RX.) I told him, I'd might not be able to make it because I usually have a Friday-Sidebar gimik. (Half-truth, really.) He then asked me to think about it and requested I get the tickets myself from RX so I could hold on to it. (Point#5: I don't orders too kindly a.k.a. inutusan nya ako!)

I pointed out I didn't want to be his runner. Hence, he took it back and said he'll get it himself and would I want to have lunch with him when he does (which is TODAY, for Christ's sake). I told him I'll think about it. (Point#6: He's soooo dense, he doesn't realize I'm not interested.)

One thing I can say is that this guy's not torpe. He's pretty forward in telling me of his intentions to see me. I'm like "Soooo not interested." that I wanted to spell it out to him.

ME: I'm not interested in a relationship right now.
HIM: I'll wait.
Me: You do realize you're not the only guy I'm seeing.
HIM: So?

Gawd, he's persistent. What really made me gagged n my coffee was when he said, "You know what, when we end up together, I fell sorry for our kids. They won't have any more eyes."

I am sooooo out of here.

Had it not been a date date, I would have had a great time.

Had it been anyone but him, I would have wanted a second, third, fourth, etc, date. (Point#7: The guy had major physical insecurities. But then, I really can't blame him.)

Did I forget to say he made one of my pictures his cellphone's wallpaper? As well as the fact that he couldn't wait to show his friends his "pretty date". And the fact that he kept texting and calling since we parted. And that he wanted to get my address so he could send me gifts/surprises. And the worse part of it all was when he stole a kiss on the cheek before I got out of the cab.

My brother, who has never been unkind to anyone and who has repeatedly told me to lower my standards with guys, frankly told me, "Ate, he looks like a bouncer in Eastwood."

My friend told me, he could pass as my driver, bodyguard, worst a security guard.

My cousin cringed at the thought of seeing me with him. He pointed out that I don't downgrade boyfriends. I had a BMW-boyfriend and now I'm down to taxing (worse, cadillac as in cadilakad). What would my ex say? That I replaced my Cum Laude graduate from UP, cultured, and sophisticated ex with a bouncer/bodyguard/driver from God knows what school?

Honey, I don't want to know. I have no intentions of letting it get there.

(Thankfully, he got the point this morning that I wasn't interested in a relationship EVER. I think he finally realized that at the end of my statement was a "with him.")

passenger in a trip called life

I changed blog name. Partly because I want to get away from certain people. Partly because I want to leave my past behind. Partly because I want to write more freely. Partly because I intend to change my mindshift.

I've always been driven and pro-active. If I knew how to drive, I'd probably be overtaking cars when they're too slow. I'd probably take the shortest path or maybe the less traffic way. But then I don't know how to drive, but I do know how to read the map, instruct, and generally know my way around. Hence, I'm a backseat driver.

Now, I just want to be a passenger. Go and flow wherever life takes me. I don't think I want to control the pace, nor decide which path to go. I'm just going to be laid-back. Or die trying.

Sakay
-- MYMP

Tumawag ang barkada
Saan daw pupunta
Gusto daw nilang lumayas
Magulo na yata 'yan pero ok lang
Basta't ikaw ay kasama
At 'wag ka nang mag-alinlangan
Di naman kita iki-kidnap
Sakay ka lang sa trip kong ito, sige na
Sagot ko'ng kwento
Gusto ko ay sumakay sa kotse mong magara
Pupunta tayo kahit saan magdamagan
Basta't mag drive ka lang

Pupunta tayo kahit saan gusto
Saan man dalhin ng hangin
Bagiuo, Tagaytay, kahit anong lagay
Basta't kasama ka't kasabay
At 'wag ka nang mag-alinlangan
'Di naman ito magastos
Sakay ka lang sa trip kong ito, sige na
Sagot ko'ng gas mo
Gusto ko ay sumakay sa kotse mong magara
Pupunta tayo kahit saan magdamagan
Basta't mag drive ka lang

Simpleng buhay, simpleng trip
Pero ubod ng saya
At tuwing makita kang nakangiti
Ako'y natutuwa
Gusto ko ay sumakay sa kotse mong magara
Pupunta tayo kahit saan magdamagan
Basta't mag drive ka lang

just when i thought

Just when I thought I would never experience pain worse than the last time I had, I have.

Just when I thought I'd cry the last time, I have shed another tear.

Just when I thought my heart was broken for the last time, I realize there's another one coming.

God, it hurts.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Badly.

Why does it feel like I'm being punished? It's not like I'm a bad person.

One act.

One word.

Misinterpretation.

Miscommunication.

It ruins everything.

It just hurts so bad.

Exactly, how many times does a heart need to get broken for it to know better?

I know it's all for the best.

I know it's someone else's happiness at the price of my own.

I know I'll be better. I would learn. Be stronger.

But right now, I just need to cry.

on second thought

First of all, I want to greet Gilbey, Jer, and Karen a belated happy birthday. I didn't post it here last Monday and Tuesday because we had surprises brewing. Gilbey's husband prepared a surprise intimate dinner for her, inviting us, her friends, to their house. It was soooo nice cause even the guests got flowers and balloons.

Karen, on the other hand, I met last night in Segafredo, Greenbelt2. I called her up and told her I was in major shit. Of course, I pretended that I needed to talk to her and deliberately didn't greet her. It was supposed to be a surprise dinner for her, but Froi let the cat out of the bag at the last minute. I did manage to surprise her with a Ferrero Rocher boquet with a note:

I wanted to give you flowers on your birthday but I thought you'd prefer chocolates. So I compromised... :)

* * *
My drinking hiatus is over. After one month and losing only 9lbs, I am back to partying. Sunday, it was 3 bottles of San Mig Light (brought about by a major fight with Mr. Bear). Monday, it was sparkling wine, white wine, and Bailey's to celebrate Gilbey's birthday. (Yes, I did really get tipsy. Thanks, Anna, for bringing me home.) Tuesday, it was a glass of cosmopolitan and long island ice tea. (I'm staying away from beer for now.)

Tonight, I'm resting my liver, cause I know tomorrow's a big day. I'm meeting Cookie. I'm talking about the woman who can drown 12 shots of tequila without getting drunk.

* * *
Last night's conversation got me thinking. Amidst three bloggers and a non-blogger, but who reads blogs, we came up with the why we were blogging. In all honesty, the reasons why I initially blogged was to release my pent-up emotions from the last relationship. Now that I'm completely over it, what's next?

There are things that I want to write in my blog but I feel that I can't because there are other people involve. Somehow, to protect the privacy of my friends and love ones, I have to filter what I write. Or maybe forget about writing it at all. In my workplace, since a lot has been reading, I can't just spit out my concerns.

With my own life, I have not been completely honest in my blog. I know now the reason why I feel so "blah" and it wouldn't really come out nice and sweet. Unless my general readers are adults in more than just their ages. I do not wish to be judge by what I write here and be categorized as a personality type. But it's the risk of sharing one's self in the world wide web.

Sometimes, I'm thinking I should just delete the whole blog and start all over again. Maybe an accidental delete as what happened to one of the bloggers I know. Or create a different one that would not be made available in public. But I made so many friends through the network of readers.

A part of me is thinking this will be my last post. Only, now that I've started writing again, I don't exactly want to stop.

*sigh*

Still thinking...

blah blah blah

I have nothing to say.

After the hectic weekend and last minute party last night, I feel... Nothing. Not happy, not satisfied, and definitely not content. (Oh no! I lost my contentment!) I've not been by myself for a long period of time. My time has passed catching up with other people, listening to stories, chilling, drinking coffee, wines, beer, baileys. I helped out in surprises over the past few days that kept me occupied, as well. The organizer in me took care of taking pictures, preparing a romantic gift, surprising a friend on her birthday, and helping resolve a family tiff. My baby, O2 XDA II, is screaming of appointments, dinners, parties, and gimiks. There are still people that I want to see that I haven't even lined up.

B U T . . .

I feel like an empty shell amidst loads of people.

I'm tired.

I'm horny.

I'm bored.

I'm lukewarm.

I feel sooooo alone.

Inspite of my family, my friends, my officemate, Mr. Bear, and my blog, I'm JUST blah.

celebratory weekend

I had a very tiring weekend. I had gotten together with the most number of people this weekend than any other weekends in my life.

(Pictures will be posted as soon as I have them.)

Firt stop: Friday Night, Xten's Despidida at Max Restaurant and The Cofee Bean and Tea Leaf Company

My cousin, Xten, was leaving for the U.S. to study her masters in the sunny state of California. She'll be gone for approximately two years. We met up for a couple of times dining out and having coffee whenever she could squeeze me in her series of goodbye-for-now-gimiks.

Last Friday night, our side of the family got together for a farewell dinner. Only 7 out of the 8 cousins left in the Philippines were present. (There are only 11 of us.) My cousins, in this side of the family, are camera addicts. Hence, the cousins had our picture taken by the designated photographer, Ed, Xten's (really sad, trying not to miss her already) boyfriend.

Then headed out to Eastwood for after dinner drinks. We chilled out, didn't exactly reminisce nor did we have our teary speeches on hand. If you would look at us, it was like an ordinary night of cousins hanging out. Only four of the girl cousins were available to chill. Thus, only four were present in the "photo shoot." Two of which are the camera addicts, who have carefully studied and mastered their best sides.

We ended pretty late then cause we had some family-relationship talk after dropping Angie off to work. Yes, she works at night. More likely, really early morning. Like 1am early.




* * *
Next Stop: Saturday Morning, Lunch with College Friends at Cafe Adriatico, Eastwood

After Gilbey's wedding last May 2004, my college friends and I had not gotten together. Primarily because of our busy sched and minor tiffs. However, due to the fact that we were to be introduced to a new member in our barkada (a boyfriend!), Steve, we had to meet. We were time-pressured to do so because he's leaving the country in a couple of days time.

I never thought lunch would take 4hours but ours did especially since we hot-seated pretty much everybody in the group. Well, I pretty much hot-seated everyone since I asked the most, uhm, inviting entrancing questions in the group, Kris Aquino style with my pink headband. I think I managed to shut up the Boy Abunda of the group, else he'd be placing himself in a hot spot with his misus.

All of us had stories to tell, questions to ask, and comments to say. I'd leave details at that. All I can say, someone's about to get married and one is pressured to be married because of that! (Btw, big thanks to Steve for the cha lunch.)

Now that everyone's pretty much updated with the lives of everyone else, I hope it doesn't take ages for us to get-together again. This time, I hope to put Sarah in the hot-seat.

* * *
Next Stop: Saturday Afternoon, Coffee with Cookie at The Cofee Bean and Tea Leaf Company, Libis

Slightly after my college friends left, I met Cookie at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Yes, I was there the night before and, yes, the baristas know me and my order already, but after spending last week at Starbucks, I had to change my coffee shops. Though, I pretty much ordered the same thing -- White Chocolate Dream to Starbucks' White Chocolate Mocca (no whipped cream, non-fat milk.)

Cookie just arrived from Singapore and I can't tell you how happy I am that she's actually back. She's always been a phone call away, albeit a long-distance call, but now she's actually here! I can actually see her when I need to talk or drown my sorrows in coffee and beer. (Yes, my liver is about to have its alcohol fill, now what Cookie is back in town.)

Seeing our pictures and our eyes, we were both really tired. But we managed to hang out for some three hours before I headed to my next stop. Talking about nothing, something, and everything there is.



* * *
Next Stop: Saturday Evening, Uncle's Birthday Pary at Uncle's House, just beside ours!

My fourth stop is right beside our house, where my Uncle is celebrating his 5Xth birthday. Finally, the cousins were complete. We had our picture taken (again!) and chatted about goodbyes and weddings. It's such a shame that Xten won't be here for Christian's wedding.

Oh yeah, I had a photo shoot with one of my camera addict cousins, Angie, after some people left. But I think I'd be Rated-X if I posted it here, so I'll just post a decent one of us.

* * *
Last Stop: Sunday Morning, A Rare Visit to Alabang

I rarely go South. Normally, I would go South if I'm heading to an out-of-town place such as Tagaytay or Batangas. However, this Sunday was an exception.

I found out recently I'm going to be a godmother to my cousin's child, Gab. I was so excited to see him. I'm glad I did cause he's soooooooooo cute. Aren't babies the best? I love the look of him and the smell of him.

At three weeks, he was so small and frail that I didn't want to hold him. I thought he might break or something. Besides, he's face crumpled the first time I held him that I thought he was going to wail!

Lucky me, Gab's such a nice baby. He didn't really scream his head off (but he kept farting!) In a matter of minutes, I was holding him like a pro. When I first held him, I was hooked. I knew I wanted one already. Considering that his mom is a year younger than me (and the pressure of the biological clock ticking), I couldn't help but implore to my parents to allow me to have a kid without a husband.

Of course, that would be out of the question. Hence, I promise myself to be the best godmother that Baby Gab will ever have.




* * *
Really tiring weekend. So much emotional turmoil that it's exhausting and draining. It's like sad-happy-happy-sad-happy-sad.

Considering I'll be in training tomorrow, I thought I'd best post now even though it's nearing midnight. The pictures will just follow, I promise.

Good night. :)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

fourth monthsary

I'm a sucker for monthsaries. Forgive me, it's the romantic in me.

In general, I love celebrating occasions, birthdays, despididas, graduations, firsts, or just plain getting together (as you would read in my next post.) I've organized a lot of get-togethers, events, surprises, and the like. It gets a bit frustrating sometimes with the last minute changes and all, but the point it I like being with people and mingling. I figured why not now when it can be done in the present when tomorrow or the future might not be there. Awful shame to waste the moment.

So here i am again, thanking everyone who has been reading my blog. Since I started counting last June 2004, I've had 2,984 site visits. Though I don't really know, who comes and goes, a big thanks and smack to all of you *mwah!* Especially to those who leave their mark on the my comment box and tagboard. (Hint! Hint! Hint! Specifically to my friends who dropby without saying typing a word. I know you guys are shy, but come on! Hehehe. Kidding! I appreciate it anyhoo.)

Four months. Not such a long time, but I feel I've grown so much. I have made new friends, learned from other blogs and comments, and made a new life. In short, an improved me.

Here's to hoping there are more posts and bloggers in the months ahead.

honoring true friends

I went to the office's First Friday Mass today and they were honoring friends. The priest said that true friends are found through conflict, correction, and confrontation.

Since most relationship are tested through time and trials, true friends are made not just of the good experiences but more of the bad. He said you can tell if someone is a true friend when s/he lends you money, corrects you when your wrong, is loyal to you, and would fight your battles with you. True friends are not just there at celebrations in your life, but also your funeral.

It made me reflect on who are my true friends. I know I am a true (and loyal) friend to my friends but it made me think who would be attending my funeral when I die (assuming they're still alive).

I never really like calling someone a bestfriend. I lost the bestfriend (of 13 years) I had a couple years back and calling someone else "bestfriend" doesn't feel right anymore. Trauma, I guess. More often than not, the boyfriend becomes the bestfriend by virtue of spending most times together and opening up feelings.

This post is to honor my close, closer, and closest friends -- short of promising I will be there on their funeral.

Those who have touched my lives in one way or another with the special mention of (names arranged alphabetically) Alvin, Ara, Che, Dexter, Elfie, Engpot, Eric, Joan, Kendee, Mariles, Marlo, Max, Mida, Muchay, Ricky, Shasel, Shirley, Song, Tintin, Tine, and Wes. (I apologize if I forgot to put the name of someone who I should have placed here. Rest assured, if I remember, I would update this list.)

Jer and Mayday, I may not see you as often as we would like (or even talk for that matter!) But you will always have this place in my heart as my high school barkada.

Anna, Gilbey, Issh, Jane, and Sarah, you guys are the best. I wouldn't have survived college if not for the five of you. I know things aren't always great with us, but I think these conflicts make our friendship sturdier. Our differences are so big that I can't help but wonder how the hell we all got together. It's like I'm Samantha in the midst of all Charlotte. You guys do know that no matter how crazy I get, I'm here for you and I will take care of you. More importantly, that I will be there for all of you (especially in arranging your weddings!)

Chrysnan, Froi, Geo, Lyra, and Rick, you guys made my masters years the best years in my academic life. The gimiks were fun, but the heartfelt talk were the best. I wish we could get together as easily as we used to.

Don, July, and Michelle, my YFC, Figaro and movie buddies, and my-(almost)-married-couple-friends, whom I envy very much in finding their GGs. You guys have always been there for me... from one bad relationship to the next. Thanks for keeping me in the comfort of your embrace and making me feel loved after every heartache.

Karen, you were there with me from the start of my rollercoaster relationship, until it ended. Thank you so much for caring for me to be actually there (and go all the way to Ortigas), even though we both know you'd be scolding me in the end. Though our personalities are poles apart, I know that you understand me as much as I do you and respect our differences. Btw, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to finish my first beer. (Ikaw dapat sisihin ni Froilan kung bakit ako natuto uminom!)

Kten, you will forever be my buzzfriend. Time (and movies) may pass that we don't see each other (more often than not, you're hibernating) but you always make your presence felt whenever I need you the most. You are, undoubtedly, the only friend who managed to surprise me and for that I am eternally grateful. (That means, I'm expecting flowers from you this year! Hahaha :))

Neva, you may disappear from time to time and may be hard to get together with but I know that I can always count on you. You have never made me feel judge and have listened to me open-mindedly, accepting me as I am and loving me all the same.

Cookie, you have been the closest person to me. I appreciate you being there for me and getting mad at me for all those times that you think I'm not listening to you. Thank you for all those times you threatened to walk out of our friendship because I'm too stubborn and refuse to heed your advice but still manage to stick around. I love you for being a very true friend.

high school blues

I'm in early today. Really early. Like 7:29am early. I surprised myself -- even the guard on duty. They know I normally come in around 9:00am. Recently, around 8:20am but never before 8.

I didn't get to wake up early enough for Friday Mass with my folks. I was still wrapped in my bath towel when they zoomed out of our house trying to catch the 6:15am Mass. So I took my time dressing up, watched Simpsons on Star World, and left the house at 6:50am.

I took the shuttle to work and found myself sitting directly in front of a familiar face. A face I haven't seen in more than 9 years -- since I graduated from high school. Lae.

Of course, I guessed her name wrong the first time around when I said "Lea", but the memories started pouring soon enough. We started chatting about our high school classmates, the used-to-be-tomboys-but-now-married-with-kids, who got married and who are still single, those abroad, who's working where, and the like.

Looking at her, I noticed the changes in her and me. What we were like in high school and what we are now. Let's just say I'm more kikay and more confident now compared to back then, and Lae... well, she's pretty much the same.

I have to admit, I hated high school. I didn't know who I was and was terribly insecure. I remember hating some of the people there who made my life miserable. I could come up with the single most hated person in our batch but I know it would be pointless. I remember eating in the canteen by myself, hiding in the guidance office or library, and drowning myself in books. I remember trying very hard to make friends there.

This is a task for a girl who doesn't know how to relate with other girls because she grew up with four brothers and no sisters.

Come to think, it wasn't all that bad. I do remember telling one of the few guy teachers in school that his fly was open. I do remember making friends with the librarians and staff that they ended up helping me out in my projects. I do remember the great teachers I had that eventually became my friends after.

What's more, it was in high school that I found two of my most loved and real friends, Cookie and Neva. We, who were asked to line up by 2s, end up lining up by 3s. The bunch of nerdies people who were supposed to go to UP but ended up going to Ateneo and graduating 4 years later.

Next year would be our 10th year since high school graduation. I wonder if we'll ever have a reunion. Part of me wishes "no" and run to the other direction but a part of me also wishes "yes" cause I know it would exorcise the demons ghosts and insecurities of my past.


Neva, Me, Bianca (my niece), and CookieSuperbowl China, Megamall, Christmas 2003

red days

After a series of texts with Ramibabe we ended at:

ME: i appreciate what you texted but next time i wish you won't bite my head off.
HER: no prob. first day chong sorry. tangna! warn eveyrybody dont text me today. i'm a monster.
ME: lalagay ko sa blog ko. bwahahaha :) (i'll put it in my blog)

* * *
First days. If you're a woman, you most probably hate first days. If you're a man with a woman, you'd most likely hate them, too.

Having experienced red days for the past 15 years, I still cannot comprehend what happens to my body. If I were mechanical I would liken it to being short-circuted for a couple of days, worse on the first day. All logic and comprehension are thrown out of the window and hay-wired emotions are all over the place.

I can't explain why I feel so weepy or get easily irritated. I just do. I just am.

Seeing other women go through it, the only thing I can do is empathize. For a period of time I was on the pill, it actually got better. My hormones were pretty much in control, except for an occasional trip here and there, but it feels like I'm usually the way I am. Now that I've stopped, the pain and the emotional trippings are more frequent.

I pity my brother because he had become my emotional punching bag in the last 15 years. I pity my boyfriend because I know it's his turn next. I pity my future husband, he would have to live it with it for the rest of his life.

(Post dedicated to Ramibabe. Hang in there, girl. Every woman in the world goes through what you're going through.)

a very early christmas

This morning at 6am, I received a call from Mr. Bear (my very own version of Carrie's Mr. Big). Groggily, I picked up the phone and murmured my hello. He apologized for waking me up. I told him, no worries because it was a fine way to wake up. We made small talk about the things we did and dreamt of since the last time we talked (not that it was that long ago).

Out of the blue, he said, "Merry Christmas, Sweetheart."

When he said it, I felt butterflies in my stomach, goosebumps on my arms, and warm all over. I snuggled deeper into my bed and comforter and couldn't stop myself from smiling sleepily.

After the short call, I streched languidly in my bed with a silly smile on my face. I knew then this Christmas would be better than last.

* * *

I love the "-ber" months. Partly because it signifies the cold season of the year, my birthday, and Christmas. The past few Christmases have sucked. It always starts with a bad birthday and ends with the worse Christmas ever experienced.

However, I stopped counting my birthday when I turned 23. When I turned 24, my folks were in the U.S. and it was the first time I didn't have a party. Last year, I didn't get flowers from my boyfriend. I always get flowers on my birthday when I'm involved with someone and I didn't.

It was downhill from then. I didn't have any Christmas spirit to begin with for the past two years. My friends have known me to celebrate Christmas with much gusto and giving them personalized gifts. Lately, it's all been generic and lame. Lame, in the sense, that I didn't put my heart shopping for gifts and putting a personal touch to it.

I thought this year would be pretty much the same. That is, until my 6am phone call. It surely did feel very much like a wakeup call.

Now, I vow, this year will be a different Christmas.