I never expected to fall in love in the way I did and in a snap. I never thought of falling in love with a friend, a very close friend.
Every time I think of you I'd get a shot right through on to my bottom pool. It's no problem of mine, but it's a problem I find. Living a life that I can't leave behind.
There’s no sense in telling me the wisdom of a fool won’t set you free. But that's the way that it goes and that’s what nobody knows. And everyday my confusion grows.Patrick was a cousin’s classmate and I had met him in their high school dance. I can only remember acknowledging his presence in the introduction. I was not attracted to him at that time maybe because I was too busy dancing and having fun. We slowly became friends after that. I didn’t think we'd get closer to that of being acquaintances. We started going out as a group and I found him funny and easy to talk to. Considering he was two years older than me, he easily became the big brother I never had.
I never even considered him as a crush material. I was contented with our brother-sister-friends relationship. I didn’t know things would be more than what they seem until the night of my school’s dance. For me, that dance would be like all the others that had passed. I knew I would enjoy the night dancing with my friends and cousins. However, I didn’t count on falling in love with him.
We didn’t get to spend that much time that night since he had a date with a girl named Michelle. I had an eerie feeling of dislike towards this girl because I felt she didn’t deserve him. Though we were not able to dance that night, we had a chance to talk in the car on our way home. Despite my cousins’ presence, it felt like there was just the two of us. It was then that I realized that I already fell for my “big brother.” I fell in love with his thoughtfulness, kindness, and his being so sweet. I fell in love with him more because he listened. He listened to me when I told him about what was bothering me then among other things. He made me feel important and so much like his age.
I feel fine and I feel good, I feel like I never should. Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say. Why can't we be ourselves like we we're yesterday?
I’m not sure what this could mean. I don’t think you’re what you seem. I do admit to myself that if I have someone else then I'll never see just what we're meant to be.
Even though we were studying in different schools, we had a constant communication through small notes passed through my cousin, occasional phone calls of hi’s and hello’s, and rare opportunities of going out as a group. I was happy with our relationship, although it was not the boyfriend-girlfriend type. However something happened that made my happiness short lived.
Shortly after Valentine's Day, Patrick and I met through one of my cousin’s party. I was surprised to see Michelle, the date he had in my high school dance, with him. I felt a slight twinge in my heart but it was melted by his easy smile when he saw me come in the door. He went up to me and said, “I’ll talk to you later, ok?”
“Ok,” I nodded. I was wondering for the time being what it was that he wanted to talk to me about. However, I didn’t expect the shock I would be receiving. Later on, when we had the chance to talk alone, he told me that he decided to court Michelle last Valentine’s day. I felt stunned not because I was expecting that he would court me or something but that I had never expected that he would be somebody else’s guy.
“But she’s not fair,” I remember him telling me. “Everything is swell when we’re alone together but she ignores me when her friends are around. Just like tonight.”
“Maybe it’s her funny way of showing that she likes you and that she’s simply playing it cool,” I said, as I felt a pierce run through my heart.
“Denise, I really need your help,” he told me. “I honestly don't know what to do.”
Swallowing my pride and hurting inside, I told him, “If you love her...”
“I do.”
“I really think she likes you.” God, what am I saying? “She wouldn’t go out with you if she doesn’t right? You'll have to be patient I guess.”
“I’m known for my patience.” After a pause, he turned to me and asked, “How about your crush? I haven’t heard you talk about him for quite some time now.”
“My...ah...crush?” I stammered. I didn't know what to say because who he's referring to, is none other than himself. I thought of telling him, “Oh, I think he’s okay. He just courted another girl and he’s telling me all about it. Right now, actually.”
Instead, I stammered, “I..ah..Last..I..ah..heard was he's ok.”
“Is the guy courting you or not?” he grinned.
“Well, no.” I murmured. “You know my parents won’t allow me to have a boyfriend till I'm eighteen,” I gave a small smile.
“What's wrong?” he frowned.
“I...ah,” I looked at his eyes and they were filled with concern. Brotherly concern. “Nothing.”
“Oh, come on, Denise,” he smiled. “You listened to my problems when I needed someone to talk to. Don't you think it’s just right and fair if I do the same to you?”
“Yes.”
“Then what is this about?”
I couldn’t tell him so I ended up saying, “Nothing.” I knew he would have persisted asking me what’s wrong, fortunately, his date came along and asked him to dance. I knew by the look in his eyes that he was torn. I gave him a small smile and nodded for him to go, knowing that it was important for him to be with her.
That was the first time I cried over a guy. Though I tried to be happy on the outside, I felt my heart breaking inside. I asked myself, why did I have to fall in love with somebody who treats me like a little sister. Why did I have to fall in love with a guy like Patrick?
The answer was simple. Anyone could easily fall in love with a cute, smart, kind guy. Patrick is the kind of guy who worms into girls’ hearts, endearing himself to them in the process. What was more special about him is that he never took advantage of the girls he knew who liked him.
A month later, he found out that I had feelings for him. It happened before the classes ended. When I found out that he knew, I stayed clear from him, primarily because I was embarrassed. I also knew I would hurt more if I stayed. I found out from my cousin that they, Michelle and Patrick, were already a couple.
I didn’t think I would be hearing from him since I avoided his phone calls already. It came a surprise when my cousin handed me a letter. I knew from the penmanship on the envelope who it came from. I was so scared to open it that I didn’t till late that night. In the solitary confines of my bedroom with no one to see or hear me, I opened the letter and started reading. I was unconscious of the tears that slowly fell from my eyes, as I slowly memorized the words he’d written.
Denise,
I really don't know what to say, except that I'll take it as a compliment. Thank you. Do you know what my first reaction was when I found out? I thought, it just couldn’t be because I love someone else. And you also told me you couldn’t have a boyfriend. I just hope you'll understand me, like I understand you. I can’t simply have two hearts...if only it's possible.
You’re beautiful, smart, and charming. I'm sure you can find other guys more deserving and qualified than I am. Just remember that LOVE will come at the most unexpected time and place.
Take Care,
Patrick
Every time I see you falling, I'll get down on my knees and pray. I’m waiting for that final moment you'll say the words that I can't say.
First short story written (1994).
First published at Blue Heights (HS Paper) in February 1995.
