it's his birthday

Today, P turns 28.

Happy Birthday, P!

* * *
This post is not intended to be a tribute to the man who's been lately occupying my thoughts more often than not.

It's been almost 8 months since our first date. If my o2 xda ii is accurate, we've gone out sixteen times. 16 dates. Ok, not all of them are to be considered as dates since he just picks me up from a gimik and brings me home.

I know, I know. I haven't exactly blogged about it. But there's really nothing to blog. Until now.

Goodness! A girl shouldn't really be allowed to count when it comes to dates. It connotes a certain longevity and expectation. Not that I'm really expecting anything. At least, I don't think so. Ok, I know I don't want to.

Admittedly, I've taken our "friendship" for granted before. But that was before. Lately, he's been on my mind. We kinda built a pattern of seeing each other once every two or three weeks.

Quite frankly, I don't know if it's just cause of the drama in my career that I'm tuning my thoughts along my love life, or am I just feeling so alone right now that I want to be with someone even if that someone is not exactly Mr. Right.

Hush, people, I didn't mean for it to sound mean. I'm just saying that every girl has their perception of Mr. Right, even if their Mr. Right is really Mr. Wrong.

P is very sweet and malambing when he wants to be. He's very nice especially when he allows himself to be my personal driver. He's almost never PDA but he doesn't mind HHWWPSSP sometimes. He's never really jealous but gets a bit possesive when he's a little drunk. He pays most, if not all, of the time we go out (which makes me feel a bit ashamed.)

However, we're as different as north and south pole. Sun and Moon. Oil and Water. Dog and Cat. Smart and Globe. Boy and Girl.

Ok, the last pair didn't sound right. But I suppose you get the point.

I don't know how I'm ending this post. I'm not sure if I have a point at all. Obviously, this is my angst about him and whatever it is that we have. I know P used to read my blog but I don't know if he still reads it. I'm not sure what consequences this post may have (or if I'm ready) but I'm leaving it to batman.

Bahala na si Batman.

stuff to fill the void

Last Thursday was my dad's 56th birthday (and the birthday of two friends of mine, Anna and Francis.)

We celebrated his birthday differently this year by watching Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. All of four of us.

Why did I say it was different? You see, my dad hates to watch movies in a movie house. Ever since the bad news of fires, drugs, and what not happening in a big dark room full of strangers, he's been wary about going to the movies and often discourages my brother and I from watching.

I think the last movie we watched together as a family was Titanic!

* * *
Episode III was great. I haven't seen a movie in a movie house for a long time, which made watching it greater!

I can relate with Anakin in his conflict between the Jedi Council and Palpatine. Sounds like pretty much the conflict I'm experiencing at work. Except that I don't have a love interest that I should protect whatsoever, which is why I've decided to leave the company before I compromise myself any further.

The prequel is now complete. Now, I want to have a Star Wars movie marathon from one to six. But, I'm willing to settle to watching Episodes IV to VI. So if any of you have a copy that you can loan, please lend it!

* * *
Speaking of marathons, I recently watch The Contender marathon last Saturday. To be honest, I've been watching the marathon for three Saturdays now at AXN.

Among all reality shows, this is the one that I have come to love the most! It's not because I'm fond of hitting, fighting, and boxing (but I've become fond -- too fond that I want to take up the sport myself!) It showcased life, family, friendship, and human nature. What I love about it best was that they won by their own merit, albeit the bruises and beating they get.

I've loved Joey in the first round. Everybody thought he was the weakest link because he had the least number of fights and he was a college boxer and not pro (and a lawyer to boot!) But he did beat Jimmy Lange in the first round. I thought it was magnanimous of him to let Peter win the car in one of their challenges and thought it was a movie brilliant to set up the matches. But I thought it was in bad taste that he wanted to change the fights they already arranged because Anthony was hurt and he thought he could win the fight. Good thing, Jesse won the challenge and the match originally made was set. I did feel sorry for Joey that he got an accidental headbutt that made him lose the fight with Peter. Per Sugar Ray's words, "Joey's the heart of The Contender."

In the finaly four, it was Peter vs. Alfonso and Jesse vs. Sergio. I was torn with who I wanted to win in the Peter vs. Alfonso match. Peter lost to Alfonso on the first round but was brought back because Jeff got sick with chicken pox. Ever since then, Peter's been winning. I honestly wanted Alfonso to win because I liked his personality and the way he carried himself throughout the show. Peter's kid and comeback certainly made me want for him to win as well. If you watched last Monday night at AXN, then you know it was Peter who won. A much deserved win.

Tomorrow night, I'll be home early. It's the Jesse-Sergio match. The Joker vs. The Brains. On Wednesday, one of them will meet Peter at the Caesars Palace in Las Vegas and the winner will be The Contender.

After re-reading this bit, I feel like a promoter or a commentator of the show!

* * *
I haven't felt kilig for sometime now. Maybe cause I'm getting all that watching Miss Match. I'm not really into Alicia Silverstone but what caught my attention Macy Gray's Love is Gonna Get You, Miss Match's Soundtrack.

Love is gonna get you baby
Someday, one day, it will be
A good love that gets me
Love is gonna get ya baby
Someday, one day, I will find
Somebody for me
Per Kten's note on a long-overdued birthday gift:

"If you are moved by the sunrise
and if rain on the roof makes you cry,
you are probably in love.
Or you should be."
The last line is much much much more accurate. Except...

Read the last part.

* * *
I don't go out much recently. Frankly, I'm in my solitary time mode. I've been seeing much of Cookie recently because of her new boy. But I haven't kept in touch with most of my friends. Normally, I initiate communication with them but for some time now, I just don't feel like it.

I don't know. I feel like I'm changing. Maturing is the right word I suppose, if not Evolving. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I'm not too happy about it.

I feel like I'm destined to be alone. That's why I'm practicing being alone for most parts.

I think I'm losing my idealistic self in the process. I'm getting a little bit too numb and empty.

Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging that much lately.

My world is not as nice as it used to be. But I'm fine.

F.I.N.E.

Fucked-up,
Insecure,
Neurotic, and
Emotional.

(Quoted from The Italian Job.)

a missed event

5 May 2004. My first blog entry.

5 May 2005. My first anniversary. I missed it.

16 May 2005. I'm making up for it.

Happy Birthday Born to Ride!
Actually, it used to be bluebearry.blogspot.com but I had issues that caused me to change blog names.

I dunno what to write. Honestly, I'm stumped.

Stumped that I could forget such an event.

Stumped that I had been blogging for the past year.

Stumped that a lot has happened to me and the past entries are evidences that they actually happened. Although the comments of those people I have "met" through blogging have disappeared in the entries of the previous months, they are etched in my heart... just don't ask me to recite them.

Stumped that I've grown another year older and much wiser (but still depressed for a totally different reason!)

Stumped that I'm actually still here... albeit missing a couple of days of blogging. I'm actually still writing nonsense and updating my blog. I didn't think I'd last...

Last Saturday, a gimik with college friends made me realize I had a problem with constancy. I may not have a problem with committing to someone/something for as long as it will only last for a given period of time. Change is inevitable, else I will feel restless and uneasy, until such time I figure a way out.

I know of a person (or two or three or more) who has a fear of commitment (a.k.a. gamophobia) but I never knew that there was a fear of constancy. Btw, does a phobia name exists for such?

This made me wonder.

Which is better?

Fear of Commitment
or
Fear of Constancy.

emotionally stressful weeks

The past two weeks had been emotionally stressful for me. Despite the fact I was liberated from the work-related stress I was going through, it was replaced by family, friends, financial, and job hunting-related

• My cousin got irked at me for reasons I don't know (or aware of.) I hated the fact that my cousin had to lie to me. Ot at least I think, she lied to me.
• A couple of friends and I fought over differences in opinion. I'm rethinking about my friendship with them -- how they actually value me as a friend. Is the emotional trouble actually worth the people you think you're friends with, but you're not a friend to them at all?
• I miss P.
• I'm having nose-bleed in the middle of the night because of the HEAT. Can you believe how hot it has been? It's like being in a sauna 24x7!
• I sent out more than enough resumes in two weeks. I only got a handful of reply.
• I went through a couple of interviews with a call center. (No, not as an agent!) Some of the interviewers I made them wait, but some of them made me wait. I have another schedule next week. This is getting tiring going back and forth.
• I got transferred work place (a good one, considering it's a "manager's work area.") Unfortunately, I'm getting transferred again next week -- to a secretary's area. Tsk tsk tsk. I think my work-area promotion got demoted.
• A younger cousin is getting married at the end of the month. I learned that my ex is planning to get married, too. A lot of friends are getting married this year alone. Tell me, am I the only single person that will be left on this planet?
• I'm gaining weight, instead of losing it, for my friend's wedding in June. I'll be another suman in a gown walking down the aisle.
• My parents are complaining about money. So am I. I mean, who actually doesn't? One of the things that I really hate fighting about is this.
• I still miss P.

* * *
Some nice mementos...




mandy's birthday party



my ojts (a.k.a. anaks) and me

a sprinkle of good news

My baby girl is back!!!

Mandy, who just turned one last April 30, will be celebrating her first birthday party this Sunday.

She'll only be here for 12 days (she's leaving Friday next week) and I'm making the most out of it.



p.s. She's perpetually red because of the heat!

* * *
New Me

You probably heard this a thousand times, but it bears repeating because it's exactly what I do.

"When a girl is in dire need of change, she does something extra-ordinarily different about her hair."




* * *
Awardee

Check this link out!

His write-up:

I will tell you: why Cecil's Blog / WebSite is best for May 2005. She is Consistent: all her entries are excellent: with pictures to boot, this Honor is well deserved. This one: I am showcasing: was chosen at random: at her site.
Air Milikay, thanks!... Out of curiosity, may cash prize ba ito? =))

the day the music died

3 May 2005


Dear Mr. XXX XXX:


Please accept this letter as my formal 60-day notice of resignation from XXX, effective 2 July 2005.

Thank you for the opportunity you gave me as Management Trainee and the time you spent in helping me in the process. The learning experience that came from it is truly invaluable.

The associations I've made during my employment here, with management and coworkers, will truly be memorable for years to come.

I wish XXX continued success, and I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of your team.


Sincerely,


Cecil XXX


* * *
I did it.

After weeks of stressing about my job (and 10lbs heavier), I finally did it.

For the first time in my entire career, I submitted my letter of resignation yesterday.

This has been bothering me for quite sometime now (ergo, the explanation of not being able to blog the past couple of weeks.) I didn't want to write about it because I felt it would be too public, considering my situation and the people in the office who know of my blog.

It was less than two weeks back when my mom suggested I resign from my work. She noticed that I was in a bad mood most of the time and that I had to drag myself from bed each morning to go to work. She gave me the assurance that I wouldn't go hungry when I quit my job.

Thinking about my credit card bills and monthly expenses, I knew I couldn't afford not to have a job. But I was no longer happy with my situation. I went on a "mourning" period after my mom and I talked.

I had talks with people much experienced and wiser than me and I learned to detach my emotions little by little. Last week, after much thought, I decided I to resign. I knew it was still a rash decision, having made it so soon.

But when I decided it, the world suddenly became a much brighter place and I couldn't stop smiling and feeling happy. Of course, the tension of submitting my resignation letter to the CEO was another thing to stress about. I have much respect (and fear) for the man (fyi, he isn't the reason why I'm resigning!) I owe him a lot for the opportunity (and trust) he gave me but I knew I still had to go.

His last words for me after we talked about my resignation was "Your letter seems final. If you ever change your mind in the next 60 days, my door is always open to you."

I'm touched. Really. But I've pretty much made up my mind.

I know I'm doing the right. I'm happy with it. That's what's more important.